Encanto and Breaking Generational Trauma | Cindy Chia on Healing What Was Never Spoken

WEBVTT

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I went through some kind of a childhood abuse

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from my dad. I grew up with a really angry dad.

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So when I watched Encanto, I was crying because

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it was so much of that generational trauma, breaking

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generational trauma, right? Yeah. Like not having

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any support, no network, you don't know anybody,

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no friends or family, especially being a foreigner.

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How relatable is Lalisa, honestly? Like, she

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can't show any cracks. Right. She can't because

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she has to be strong. She has to do everything

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that she's asked to do. So that the family can

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stay strong. So the family can keep doing things

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to serve others. And meanwhile, she is experiencing

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the insecurity and the weight of it all. In my

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perspective, Bruno was also the only one who

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told the truth. Yeah. That nobody was ready for

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it. So they exiled him. So I spent a lot of time

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being angry. But then I realized that anger is

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not bringing me anywhere. But as an adult, you

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have to realize your life is what you make out

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of it. Life is too short to live in your own

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BS. The BS is what's keeping us from feeling

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true to ourselves. Living a true life, like a

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very authentic life. I wear fur coat to the gym.

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Do I care? No. Do you like it? Because I love

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it! Welcome to Yes And Land, where we say yes

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to the reality of yesterday and today. And we

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say and to the possibility... growth, and imagination

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of tomorrow. Welcome to our next episode of Yes

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and Land. We're very excited to have Cindy with

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us today. Thank you, Ryan. We're talking about

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some fun things. I'm actually here to learn.

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In kind of our prep, we talked about the topic

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today. I thought, okay, this is something I don't

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know a lot about. And I'm just going to take

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the opportunity during this conversation to really

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learn. But also we're going to do it through

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the lens of my favorite, which is Encanto. Yay.

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Absolutely love Encanto so much. It's so good.

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We were doing a little pre -recording listening

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to one of the songs too. Kind of got me in the

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mood. I love it. Encanto is such a good one.

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It was interesting. I usually try to watch the

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night before the movie that we're going to talk

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about just to make sure I'm like. Ready to go?

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Yeah. Like I didn't need to rewatch this one.

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No. I've watched this so many times. So many

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times, right? I'm like, I'm excited. This is

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good. Yeah. So what I want to do to kind of get

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us kicked off, Cindy, is if you want to just

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talk a little bit about kind of your background,

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what you do professionally. And then we kind

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of explore kind of how you got there. Because

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I always just love hearing about somebody's story

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themselves personally, like how they got to be

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doing the things they do. We'd love to have really

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cool and interesting people on. And you're certainly

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one of those. So I'd love for people to learn

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about your background. And then we can kind of

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dive into the topic and then talk about the movie.

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Yeah, let's go. So my name is Cindy Chia, born

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and raised in Malaysia. Malaysia, so interesting.

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Yeah. So in Malaysia, it's, you know, in the

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Asian continent. So a lot of that cultural stigma.

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surrounding mental health still to this day.

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I went through some kind of a childhood abuse

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from my dad. I grew up with a really angry dad.

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So when I watch Encanto, ah, I was crying because

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there was so much of that generational trauma,

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breaking generational trauma, right? I can relate

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so much with Mirabelle, who was the one who actually

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kind of... took that step forward for the family.

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So my background comes from trauma. And then

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I went into psychology wanting to heal myself.

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No, actually, I went into psychology wanting

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to heal other people first. Of course. Okay,

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of course. Everybody else is the one that's got

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the problem. They got to get fixed. It's not

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me. Exactly. Yes, exactly. Everyone else's problem.

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I want to help other people. That was my goal

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to go into psychology. Okay, so I have a question

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for you, though, about Malaysia. Yes. What's

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the culture like there? Especially when it comes

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to men. Yeah. And the way that they interact

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with women, with their wives, with their daughters.

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How is that different from American culture if

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there are any differences? I just don't know

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Malaysia really much at all. Love it. I love

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talking about Malaysia. So Malaysia is a Muslim

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country. So a lot of the laws are written according

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to the Muslim law. So in some states, there are

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still men and women cannot walk together or cannot

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hold hands out in public. You have to have your

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own lane. movie theaters as well. Men and women

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have to be separated. So there's still some kind

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of segregation. Where I come from, the state

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of Sarawak, we are more harmonious. We live more

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harmoniously. We have a lot of cultures there.

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So my grandparents immigrated from China. And

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there's a lot of people that immigrated from

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India as well. And there's the locals, Malays,

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Indonesia, and a lot of other countries as well.

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So it's kind of like a melting pot. So the gender

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roles are... still pretty prominent i would say

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like the men are the decision maker the breadwinner

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and all of those things um it's changing though

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i mean as as the world's changing is changing

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to that um i talked i talked to a lady who had

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from here from uh the states And had gone to

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live there for a year with her husband. In Malaysia?

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Uh -huh. Oh, I didn't know that. And she said

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that it was just very different, a bit of a culture

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shock. And about halfway into their stay there,

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she went to go get her hair cut. And she wanted

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to have it cut quite a bit different. Like she

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was going to take a bunch of length off and have

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it cut pretty short. Uh -oh. Yes. Uh -oh is the

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right thing because you know exactly where it's

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going. Yeah. Because the guy that was going to

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cut her hair was like, oh, I can't do it without

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your husband's permission. She was like, oh,

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no, no, it's just my hair. I just want to cut

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my hair. He's like, oh, no, no. Like, I have

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to have his permission. Okay. And basically the

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way that she had described it was like it wasn't

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really that this hairdresser was like trying

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to do anything wrong. Yeah. He had just been

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burned before. Right, right. Like he had cut

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a woman's hair and then the husband came in and

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like. What did you do? Yeah. Like he was in big

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trouble because he didn't have the sign off.

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Oh, wow. And this was probably, I don't know,

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seven, eight years ago that she was there. Sure,

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I think not that long ago. And so it was just

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interesting because it was such a different experience

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that she had there. And she wasn't describing

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it in a negative way. She actually loved her

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time in Malaysia. She just thought it was a really,

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really wonderful, great experience to get out

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and experience something different. But something

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was a little bit different culturally. Yeah,

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she would probably be in the more conservative

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state. So I would say it goes by state to state.

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So the one that the state I'm from, they're pretty

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cool in general. And we celebrate each other's

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celebration. too so for example over here you

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guys usually do what Christmas Thanksgiving right

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over there we have Christmas we celebrate Christmas

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Chinese New Year the Muslim New Year the Deepavali

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so there's what was that last one Deepavali what's

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that Diwali We call it Diwali over there. And

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Gawai, which is the indigenous New Year as well.

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So we celebrate. I only know Diwali from The

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Office. Have you ever seen The Office? No, I

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haven't. Oh, it's so great. They're celebrating

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Diwali because one of their employees does. And

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so the main character, played by Steve Carell,

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goes and he has this little song about... And

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it's really hilarious. It's really great, actually.

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Great episode. I was like, okay, that actually

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looks like really fun. Like, I want to celebrate

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Diwali. Yeah, lots of colors, lots of food. Yeah,

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lots of people. So, okay, so that's kind of where

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you grow up. What brings you to the United States?

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How did that happen? Yeah, so I went to school.

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I pursued my undergrad in Australia. Didn't really

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have a good time there. I would say it was about

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20 years ago now, but still not a long time ago.

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A lot of racism there. People would throw water

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bottles at me, eggs at me when I'm walking down

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the street. It's just not a great experience.

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No. No, it was. And, you know, the narrative

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there. Yeah, the racism is just kind of hard.

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I wouldn't say it's everybody though, right?

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You get some bad eggs here and there. So I didn't

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have a good experience. I got a scholarship to

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study abroad anywhere I wanted. I initially wanted

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to go to England because I loved their accent.

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I was learning English. I wanted to have an English

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accent. Of course. But I would have been the

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only one there kind of like in Australia. So

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I didn't want to have a repeat of being alone.

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So I picked America. I picked Oklahoma. Oklahoma.

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Oklahoma. Because my cousin's there. Oklahoma.

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You're like, of all the states in the United

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States, it's Oklahoma. All right, let's go. I

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had the best time. Good. Oh, my gosh. I'm having

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the best time in the U .S. for sure. I feel like

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the psychology field here is so much, so diverse.

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And I learned so much. So this is a place for

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me to grow my career for sure. What school did

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you go to in Oklahoma? University of, sorry,

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Oklahoma State and then University of Central

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Oklahoma. Okay. And enjoyed both those universities?

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Yeah. I work with Robert Sternberg. I don't know

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if you know. He's like one of the biggest psychologists

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in the world. Really? Yeah, crazy. He developed

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the love triangle and all of this philosophy.

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So really cool. So you were learning from one

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of the experts in the field. Yeah. Which had

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to be just an amazing experience. Amazing. And

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we did research together and we did conferences

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and presentations and all of that. So I had a

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great time. Yeah. Very grateful. So you finish

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up your studies there and then did you end up

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practicing there or did you come straight to

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Utah or what happened? Yeah. So I did my fellowship

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in Harvard in Boston. Oh, in Boston. Yeah. That's

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kind of fun. It was fun. I would have lived there

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if I could. How come you didn't? Well, it was

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for a boy. My ex -husband's from here, so I had

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to move here. It's all good, but in Harvard.

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Boston's great, though. Yeah, so great. I learned

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so much there. So I worked with Mona Westmark,

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Dr. Westmark, who also is a war renown. So her

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parents was in a concentration camp from the

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Nazi. Oh, my goodness. So she was doing research

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about breaking generational trauma, which is

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so great, which is something that I was passionate

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about, breaking generational trauma in the Asian

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culture, too. So she was doing it with the Jews

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and the black slaves, like research on those,

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the owner of black slaves, and I was doing the

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research on Asian families. So it was so groundbreaking.

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Yeah, that's great. So was she at Harvard? Is

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that what you said? Yeah, she was at Harvard.

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So you're there in Boston. You're doing something

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with someone who's at Harvard, which is like

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one of the preeminent institutions really in

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the world, certainly in the United States. That

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would be a great experience. A great experience.

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So grateful for that, honestly. What was your

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favorite thing about Boston? People. Okay. Tell

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me more. Tell me more. is a bit biased because

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i feel like i was surrounded so i was in cambridge

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you know i live on campus and everything so i

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was surrounded by students mostly right and all

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of them are mostly international students um

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just like how open people are and how how just

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like, I don't know, like they just don't judge

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you. Like I come from this and I eat this and

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all of that. Like I feel like I get a lot more

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scrutinies here. Like, oh, why are you eating

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fish for lunch? You know, kind of stuff like

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that. But like in Boston, I just felt very included

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in general. That's great. I didn't have to explain

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myself. Yeah. Which is such a hard thing to do

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sometimes. Absolutely it is. And when you feel

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like you can just be yourself. Yeah. Right? Right.

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I know we're talking about Disney stuff, but

00:11:12.320 --> 00:11:15.059
to take it to K -pop Demon Hunters, if you're

00:11:15.059 --> 00:11:17.100
familiar with that. I love those too. I remember

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hearing a couple of interviews with the ladies

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that are the singers for it, right? Because I

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think that actresses that played the voices when

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they're regular talking were different than those

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that sang. And those that sang, one in particular

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wrote it. Now her name escapes me right now.

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But I remember her talking about when they were...

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watching the movie back the first time right

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when it was totally done and they're watching

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it and one of the gals had said that it was a

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really cool scene for her when they're in the

00:11:47.460 --> 00:11:49.059
plane at the very beginning of the movie you

00:11:49.059 --> 00:11:51.940
familiar with this and they're eating some particular

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kind of food And it was like this flood of emotion,

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she said, that came to her because when she was

00:11:57.379 --> 00:11:59.539
growing up with the Korean food that she would

00:11:59.539 --> 00:12:01.899
be eating at school, she would feel judged. And

00:12:01.899 --> 00:12:03.659
so she would like try to hide that she was eating.

00:12:03.679 --> 00:12:07.179
She would hide it in her paper lunch sack and

00:12:07.179 --> 00:12:08.940
she would quickly try to eat it so no one could

00:12:08.940 --> 00:12:11.960
see her eating it. And that now she's being part

00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:15.879
of this movie that's this phenomenon. And they're

00:12:15.879 --> 00:12:17.720
eating the very foods that she ate, that she

00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:20.059
grew up with, that she loved. And it was out

00:12:20.059 --> 00:12:22.279
there for everyone. And it was just this amazing

00:12:22.279 --> 00:12:24.519
experience for her because she didn't have to

00:12:24.519 --> 00:12:26.759
hide it. I just thought, oh, my goodness. It

00:12:26.759 --> 00:12:29.039
was just like, oof. And it's something small

00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:32.580
like food. Everybody eats something. And why

00:12:32.580 --> 00:12:34.279
do some people have to hide it and some people

00:12:34.279 --> 00:12:37.059
don't? And you don't want to have to be judged

00:12:37.059 --> 00:12:39.889
by eating something that. You love. That's part

00:12:39.889 --> 00:12:41.909
of your culture. You just grew up eating. Yeah.

00:12:41.990 --> 00:12:43.850
You don't want to explain yourself. Yeah. So

00:12:43.850 --> 00:12:44.950
I'm glad that was your experience in Boston.

00:12:45.090 --> 00:12:47.090
That's really great. Yeah. Another reason for

00:12:47.090 --> 00:12:48.950
me to like Boston. Yay. I've only been once,

00:12:48.950 --> 00:12:50.409
and I thought it was absolutely terrific. We

00:12:50.409 --> 00:12:51.830
only spent a couple of days there, and I thought,

00:12:51.850 --> 00:12:53.409
I've got to spend some more time here. It was

00:12:53.409 --> 00:12:54.830
so fun. I mean, the people, the history, the

00:12:54.830 --> 00:12:57.269
culture, the places. It's just amazing. Yeah.

00:12:57.289 --> 00:12:59.230
No doubt. I mean, Utah is great, too. Utah has

00:12:59.230 --> 00:13:01.029
some great things, for sure. Utah has some great

00:13:01.029 --> 00:13:03.570
things. So you're in Boston. You're doing your

00:13:03.570 --> 00:13:05.549
research there. Then where do you go from there?

00:13:05.879 --> 00:13:08.179
Then Utah. Okay, then Utah. Yeah. So I started

00:13:08.179 --> 00:13:10.600
my residency in a big private practice here and

00:13:10.600 --> 00:13:12.340
then I started my own private practice now with

00:13:12.340 --> 00:13:15.299
Spire Psychological in Riverton. And okay, so

00:13:15.299 --> 00:13:17.820
talk me through, you're with a bigger place.

00:13:18.120 --> 00:13:20.159
Talk me through the decision to then go out on

00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:22.159
your own and do your own thing. Yeah. Because

00:13:22.159 --> 00:13:24.639
that is not an easy thing to do. No, especially

00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:26.860
being a foreigner. Yeah. Why? Like not having

00:13:26.860 --> 00:13:29.340
any support, no network, you don't know anybody,

00:13:29.539 --> 00:13:33.460
no friends or family. I knew from the beginning

00:13:33.460 --> 00:13:36.379
that I wanted something bigger for myself. And

00:13:36.379 --> 00:13:38.639
I wanted to do it right. So when you're working

00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:40.440
for other people, there's a lot of policy that

00:13:40.440 --> 00:13:42.720
makes sense for them, right? So the place that

00:13:42.720 --> 00:13:46.429
I worked at, I wasn't very... happy with how

00:13:46.429 --> 00:13:49.250
they ran their practice so of course I wanted

00:13:49.250 --> 00:13:51.850
to run it better but then you learn too like

00:13:51.850 --> 00:13:53.929
oh my gosh owning a business is really really

00:13:53.929 --> 00:13:57.409
hard so I wanted to do it better I wanted to

00:13:57.409 --> 00:14:01.230
do it more ethically I wanted to do it more comprehensively

00:14:01.230 --> 00:14:04.129
to where like people feel hurt as a whole not

00:14:04.129 --> 00:14:06.049
so much of like oh you're anxious and we're just

00:14:06.049 --> 00:14:08.169
going to treat it anxiety no I want to see a

00:14:08.169 --> 00:14:10.769
person as a whole and I also want to see a person

00:14:10.769 --> 00:14:13.250
I want to treat a person as from the root too

00:14:13.250 --> 00:14:15.279
like I don't want to just to like give you band

00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:17.440
-aids for your symptoms like i want to go to

00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:20.679
the root of your problems which brings to trauma

00:14:20.679 --> 00:14:22.919
you know the the work that i've been doing the

00:14:22.919 --> 00:14:24.200
research that i've been doing the generational

00:14:24.200 --> 00:14:27.240
trauma so i do a lot of that in my work yeah

00:14:27.240 --> 00:14:30.320
and the practice didn't really you know focus

00:14:30.320 --> 00:14:32.220
on that yeah i didn't really like want me to

00:14:32.220 --> 00:14:35.519
pursue that okay yeah so tell me again the name

00:14:35.519 --> 00:14:37.759
of your of your place yeah aspire psychological

00:14:37.759 --> 00:14:41.559
we're in riverton and vegas okay And I've driven

00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:43.460
by it, especially since you and I first talked.

00:14:43.559 --> 00:14:44.980
I'm like, oh, that's where Cindy works. That's

00:14:44.980 --> 00:14:48.179
her place. So tell me about what you guys do

00:14:48.179 --> 00:14:51.500
specialize in at your practice. So we mainly

00:14:51.500 --> 00:14:53.899
specialize in trauma. So any kinds of trauma,

00:14:54.120 --> 00:14:56.320
family trauma, relationship trauma, domestic

00:14:56.320 --> 00:14:59.059
violence, sexual trauma, and all of that. So

00:14:59.059 --> 00:15:01.460
I have a team of people who specialize in different

00:15:01.460 --> 00:15:04.639
kinds of things. For me, myself, I specialize

00:15:04.639 --> 00:15:07.620
in cultural trauma. and breaking generational

00:15:07.620 --> 00:15:10.019
trauma and all of that. So a lot of trauma stuff.

00:15:10.259 --> 00:15:12.879
And what are the types of therapy that y 'all

00:15:12.879 --> 00:15:16.259
offer there? We only offer, we pride ourselves

00:15:16.259 --> 00:15:19.480
in offering evidence -based treatments. So all

00:15:19.480 --> 00:15:22.320
or maybe a lot of our treatments are evidence

00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:24.059
-based. So it has been researched, it has been

00:15:24.059 --> 00:15:27.659
studied and all of that. So we use those modalities

00:15:27.659 --> 00:15:31.879
mostly. Talk therapy, individual group, couples,

00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:36.789
family therapy is what we do. Okay. So when it

00:15:36.789 --> 00:15:39.470
comes to then this intergenerational trauma,

00:15:39.710 --> 00:15:42.490
I guess it's totally appropriate. That's what

00:15:42.490 --> 00:15:43.610
we're talking about today because that's where

00:15:43.610 --> 00:15:46.490
you have a lot of expertise. So when we think

00:15:46.490 --> 00:15:49.830
about it, let's take a step kind of back and

00:15:49.830 --> 00:15:53.210
kind of set the stage for Encanto and why this

00:15:53.210 --> 00:15:56.190
is such an appropriate topic to discuss when

00:15:56.190 --> 00:16:00.279
it comes to Encanto. If you wouldn't mind, for

00:16:00.279 --> 00:16:02.580
anybody who might be listening or watching that

00:16:02.580 --> 00:16:05.559
doesn't know the story of Encanto, maybe set

00:16:05.559 --> 00:16:08.059
a 30 ,000 -foot view of overall what's going

00:16:08.059 --> 00:16:10.320
on in this story. What kind of is happening?

00:16:10.659 --> 00:16:15.580
Yeah, yeah. Okay, so I love Encanto because it's

00:16:15.580 --> 00:16:20.940
a mix of so many people and a mix of traumas

00:16:20.940 --> 00:16:24.639
as well. So if you watch Encanto, I think the

00:16:24.639 --> 00:16:27.159
root of it is that trauma came from survival.

00:16:28.340 --> 00:16:31.419
you know, they had to hold their family together

00:16:31.419 --> 00:16:33.960
to survive in the first place. And then it becomes

00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:37.840
like a rigid family roles. It became like a rigid

00:16:37.840 --> 00:16:39.600
family roles for everybody, right? Like Luisa.

00:16:40.259 --> 00:16:42.940
Yeah, because Abuela, when the story first starts,

00:16:43.000 --> 00:16:44.759
she just has these triplets, right? With her

00:16:44.759 --> 00:16:47.440
husband. And then they've got to go escape what

00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:49.419
appears to be these people attacking their town.

00:16:49.460 --> 00:16:51.340
You can't really tell, but clearly someone's

00:16:51.340 --> 00:16:53.100
attacking them. They're trying to leave. Her

00:16:53.100 --> 00:16:55.179
husband tries to stop him. He ends up being killed.

00:16:55.240 --> 00:16:57.600
So now she's really... on her own. Like she's

00:16:57.600 --> 00:17:00.159
experiencing a lot of trauma in what this is,

00:17:00.179 --> 00:17:03.559
losing her husband, losing security, losing the

00:17:03.559 --> 00:17:05.880
safety that she had and then have to take on

00:17:05.880 --> 00:17:08.759
this whole new experience. Yeah. Triplets by

00:17:08.759 --> 00:17:12.240
yourself. Like how scary would that be? And so

00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:13.960
I think you're right. I think through that experience,

00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:16.660
she ends up becoming pretty rigid in certain

00:17:16.660 --> 00:17:20.839
things. Right. And I don't think it was. negatively

00:17:20.839 --> 00:17:24.000
motivated either. No. They needed that for survival,

00:17:24.039 --> 00:17:26.180
right? They needed Luisa to step up to do something.

00:17:26.359 --> 00:17:28.740
They needed, you know, Bruno to do something.

00:17:28.900 --> 00:17:31.339
So it was a lot of like survival skills, like

00:17:31.339 --> 00:17:34.059
just wanting the family to use their gifts to

00:17:34.059 --> 00:17:36.980
survive. Yeah. And what's interesting too is

00:17:36.980 --> 00:17:39.960
I think whether it was even... Trying to have

00:17:39.960 --> 00:17:42.819
all of her children and grandchildren use their

00:17:42.819 --> 00:17:46.319
abilities to serve others. Yes. It became so

00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:49.200
rigid in the application of you have to do this

00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:50.940
because it is our responsibility and there's

00:17:50.940 --> 00:17:52.500
no flexibility and it's all on your shoulders

00:17:52.500 --> 00:17:53.980
and you have to do everything. Right. And you

00:17:53.980 --> 00:17:56.180
have to do it in this way. Right, right. That

00:17:56.180 --> 00:18:00.279
she really lost sight of what really makes a

00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:02.559
family a family, what really makes a community

00:18:02.559 --> 00:18:05.339
a community. Right, exactly. And it becomes shunned,

00:18:05.339 --> 00:18:08.019
right? Like hard conversations becomes. becomes

00:18:08.019 --> 00:18:11.359
like invisible. You can't talk about it. And

00:18:11.359 --> 00:18:15.599
that's how trauma lives in a family is when we

00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:17.299
don't talk about it. When they say you cannot

00:18:17.299 --> 00:18:19.619
talk about Bruno, you know, when you don't talk

00:18:19.619 --> 00:18:22.819
about something, it persists. It still exists.

00:18:22.859 --> 00:18:25.119
Doesn't mean that it goes away. So that's so

00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:27.779
interesting to look at that song in that way.

00:18:27.880 --> 00:18:30.240
I hadn't thought of that before. Yeah. Right.

00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:32.740
Because they're, they're like. It's still there.

00:18:32.900 --> 00:18:35.839
Yeah. Like he's actually physically still there,

00:18:36.039 --> 00:18:38.160
right? Right. But I think it's really what's

00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:39.500
that represent? What does that represent for

00:18:39.500 --> 00:18:42.160
us when we do have something that does need to

00:18:42.160 --> 00:18:44.460
get addressed and we just want to shun it and

00:18:44.460 --> 00:18:46.500
not talk about it? No, no, no. We can't possibly

00:18:46.500 --> 00:18:49.960
talk about that. That's too big of a deal. Too

00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:51.799
much stress, too much trauma associated with

00:18:51.799 --> 00:18:53.079
that. We're not going to deal with it. We're

00:18:53.079 --> 00:18:54.740
going to set it aside. We're going to keep it

00:18:54.740 --> 00:18:57.359
locked away in the walls, so to speak. Right.

00:18:57.440 --> 00:18:59.319
And not address it or deal with it. Right. And

00:18:59.319 --> 00:19:01.259
the trauma continues to live, right? People are

00:19:01.259 --> 00:19:03.680
still miserable. And how I reflected that in

00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:05.720
my own story is that people don't like to talk

00:19:05.720 --> 00:19:08.599
about my dad's anger outbursts, you know? Once

00:19:08.599 --> 00:19:11.019
he's good, we're good. Don't bring it up. Don't

00:19:11.019 --> 00:19:13.380
talk about it. You know, dad's good. Let's not

00:19:13.380 --> 00:19:15.839
rock the boat. But the trauma is still there,

00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:17.900
and it's going to come up again when you get

00:19:17.900 --> 00:19:20.240
triggered again. But we cannot talk about it.

00:19:20.299 --> 00:19:23.660
So trauma continues to live on. Yeah. It's something

00:19:23.660 --> 00:19:26.099
that we hadn't talked about before, but I think

00:19:26.099 --> 00:19:27.859
it fits in here that I would love to hear you

00:19:27.859 --> 00:19:29.839
kind of teach us more about, which is when it

00:19:29.839 --> 00:19:33.000
comes to triggers. I think what's interesting

00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:36.299
for me from a layperson's perspective is that

00:19:36.299 --> 00:19:39.599
what I've seen is like certainly we all can have

00:19:39.599 --> 00:19:41.559
triggers, especially with trauma we've experienced.

00:19:42.299 --> 00:19:44.180
I think this sometimes happens, and this is not

00:19:44.180 --> 00:19:46.660
all the time, and by no means is trying to discount

00:19:46.660 --> 00:19:48.680
experiences people have, but sometimes people

00:19:48.680 --> 00:19:53.220
use a trigger as like a weapon. Oh, an excuse.

00:19:53.220 --> 00:19:54.680
Oh, no, no, that triggers me. Yeah, yeah. No,

00:19:54.720 --> 00:19:56.500
no, no, you can't. Nope, that triggers me. I

00:19:56.500 --> 00:19:59.259
can't do that. That triggers me. And then it

00:19:59.259 --> 00:20:01.400
really kind of shuts things down. I'm interested,

00:20:01.599 --> 00:20:03.940
where does that come from, right? Because, and

00:20:03.940 --> 00:20:05.359
how do we find that balance of something like

00:20:05.359 --> 00:20:07.700
acknowledging a trigger actually exists and being

00:20:07.700 --> 00:20:09.980
able to like respect somebody's boundaries, set

00:20:09.980 --> 00:20:12.599
boundaries? Yeah. but not having it become a

00:20:12.599 --> 00:20:16.400
weapon. Yes. I think in the pop psychology culture,

00:20:16.599 --> 00:20:19.259
people use boundaries as like a gate, right?

00:20:19.380 --> 00:20:21.039
Like you can't cross my boundary because this

00:20:21.039 --> 00:20:23.880
is my boundary. But in a true psychology world,

00:20:24.039 --> 00:20:27.720
boundaries is connection. We want to have boundaries

00:20:27.720 --> 00:20:29.880
with you so I can connect with you better. So

00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:34.210
for example, you have a boundary of, you know,

00:20:34.230 --> 00:20:36.390
spending time, you know, you clock out at five

00:20:36.390 --> 00:20:38.450
o 'clock every day, right? Why? So that you can

00:20:38.450 --> 00:20:40.089
spend more time with your family. You want to

00:20:40.089 --> 00:20:41.490
be a good dad. You want to be a good spouse.

00:20:41.849 --> 00:20:45.670
So that's your boundary. So in order for me,

00:20:45.710 --> 00:20:48.210
so if I work with you, I have something come

00:20:48.210 --> 00:20:51.549
up at like 6 p .m. I cannot, I don't want to

00:20:51.549 --> 00:20:54.450
interrupt that because that will disrupt our

00:20:54.450 --> 00:20:56.849
connection. Because I want what's best for you.

00:20:56.950 --> 00:20:59.450
And your boundary is that you want to spend five

00:20:59.450 --> 00:21:01.589
o 'clock onwards with your family. So I'll respect

00:21:01.589 --> 00:21:04.369
that. But then I will also say like, hey, can

00:21:04.369 --> 00:21:07.150
we touch base tomorrow instead? So it's not to

00:21:07.150 --> 00:21:10.769
keep me away from your family time. It's more

00:21:10.769 --> 00:21:13.109
of like, how can I show up for you and you show

00:21:13.109 --> 00:21:15.210
up for me in a way that makes sense for us so

00:21:15.210 --> 00:21:18.269
we can connect outside of the boundary. Does

00:21:18.269 --> 00:21:21.789
that make sense? It does. And I think the kind

00:21:21.789 --> 00:21:23.769
of the next step there too, where I think sometimes

00:21:23.769 --> 00:21:27.200
people, miss out on the next step, which is,

00:21:27.220 --> 00:21:29.200
okay, if somebody's boundary is not to work after

00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:31.400
five and there are things that come up, then

00:21:31.400 --> 00:21:33.700
you've got to have that conversation. Okay. These

00:21:33.700 --> 00:21:35.940
kinds of things do come up. How can we effectively

00:21:35.940 --> 00:21:38.759
deal with these things within the time that we

00:21:38.759 --> 00:21:41.740
have? Do we need to have a different prioritization

00:21:41.740 --> 00:21:44.319
during the eight to five? So we can make sure

00:21:44.319 --> 00:21:45.839
that these things appropriately get handled.

00:21:45.920 --> 00:21:47.339
So if it can't happen at six and it's got to

00:21:47.339 --> 00:21:49.539
happen the next morning. Will it happen? Can

00:21:49.539 --> 00:21:51.660
it reliably happen by setting out priorities

00:21:51.660 --> 00:21:53.640
based on the boundaries that you do have? Because

00:21:53.640 --> 00:21:55.759
then it's a give and take. Exactly. Right. Right.

00:21:55.839 --> 00:21:57.400
I want what's best for you, too. And you want

00:21:57.400 --> 00:21:59.019
what's best for me. But we need to work together

00:21:59.019 --> 00:22:02.079
so we can connect when we can connect. Yeah.

00:22:02.160 --> 00:22:04.440
Yeah. Because otherwise it just becomes a one

00:22:04.440 --> 00:22:06.960
way street. It's like, oh, no, sorry. After five,

00:22:07.019 --> 00:22:08.359
can't do it. Right. Not going to address it.

00:22:08.380 --> 00:22:10.000
Not going to deal with it. Right. Just sorry.

00:22:10.079 --> 00:22:12.460
It's you're out of luck. Right. It's not it's

00:22:12.460 --> 00:22:14.059
not the other way. It's not. OK, what is that

00:22:14.059 --> 00:22:16.099
person's needs? What is that person's boundaries?

00:22:16.240 --> 00:22:19.539
How do I how do I. implement or want the best

00:22:19.539 --> 00:22:21.160
for them and help to make that happen. Right.

00:22:21.220 --> 00:22:23.720
Right. Boundary is not gate, gatekeeping. It's

00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:25.819
a lot of connection. Like I want, I want what's

00:22:25.819 --> 00:22:27.539
best for you and I want to connect with you.

00:22:27.640 --> 00:22:30.539
That makes meaning for you. Yeah. I think that's

00:22:30.539 --> 00:22:34.640
such a helpful way to look at that as the, the

00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:36.279
connection. That's what we want is the connection

00:22:36.279 --> 00:22:38.980
that really helps to inform me about what that

00:22:38.980 --> 00:22:41.099
means and how I can do that differently. Yeah,

00:22:41.140 --> 00:22:43.920
for sure. Yeah. Okay. So a couple of quotes,

00:22:43.960 --> 00:22:45.299
I'm going to lay, I'm going to lay at your feet.

00:22:45.319 --> 00:22:48.880
Okay. So a couple of things that, I went back

00:22:48.880 --> 00:22:51.539
to when it came to Encanto and some of the things

00:22:51.539 --> 00:22:53.200
that I heard. And I want to get your take on

00:22:53.200 --> 00:22:56.759
these things. Before we jump back in, can I ask

00:22:56.759 --> 00:22:59.319
you a quick favor? If you're enjoying the journey

00:22:59.319 --> 00:23:02.839
so far, will you like, rate, and subscribe to

00:23:02.839 --> 00:23:05.539
our show? It helps us reach more people like

00:23:05.539 --> 00:23:09.000
you. We can design and create and build the most

00:23:09.000 --> 00:23:11.839
wonderful place in the world, but it takes people

00:23:11.839 --> 00:23:16.720
to make the dream a reality. So one of the things

00:23:16.720 --> 00:23:19.660
that Abuela says, and when she's talking to Mirabel,

00:23:19.700 --> 00:23:23.299
is you have to stop, Mirabel. The cracks started

00:23:23.299 --> 00:23:26.539
with you. Bruno left because of you. Luisa's

00:23:26.539 --> 00:23:29.079
losing her powers. Isabel is out of control because

00:23:29.079 --> 00:23:31.420
of you. I don't know why you weren't given a

00:23:31.420 --> 00:23:33.519
gift, but it is not an excuse for you to hurt

00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:39.180
this family. Oh, that is absolutely brutal. Well,

00:23:39.220 --> 00:23:42.059
I don't know that I fully digested it the very

00:23:42.059 --> 00:23:43.539
first time that I saw it. But when I've seen

00:23:43.539 --> 00:23:47.720
it since, that is such a, oh, that's such a hard

00:23:47.720 --> 00:23:50.339
thing. Yeah. You know, for Abuela to have said

00:23:50.339 --> 00:23:52.460
to me that. Oh, yeah. But don't you think it's

00:23:52.460 --> 00:23:55.140
a projection? It totally is. So explain more

00:23:55.140 --> 00:23:56.980
about that. Tell more about that. Yeah. I think

00:23:56.980 --> 00:23:59.480
a lot of it is projection of insecurity. Like

00:23:59.480 --> 00:24:02.740
I said, I think Abuela started this whole thing,

00:24:02.839 --> 00:24:05.579
magical casita thing out of survival. Right.

00:24:05.640 --> 00:24:08.650
The trauma starts from survival. So when. the

00:24:08.650 --> 00:24:11.970
survival cracked like you know Luisa lost her

00:24:11.970 --> 00:24:15.349
magic skills and all of those things it became

00:24:15.349 --> 00:24:18.000
a threat It suddenly becomes like, oh my gosh,

00:24:18.119 --> 00:24:20.900
I no longer serve a purpose that I thought was

00:24:20.900 --> 00:24:23.119
purposeful. Or my family no longer serve a purpose

00:24:23.119 --> 00:24:25.160
that I thought was purposeful. So that threatened

00:24:25.160 --> 00:24:29.799
her security, her identity, her purpose. So the

00:24:29.799 --> 00:24:32.079
way that she dealt with that was projecting it

00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:34.519
on Mirabelle. Because that was obvious. Mirabelle

00:24:34.519 --> 00:24:36.240
was the problem. That was obvious in the scene,

00:24:36.339 --> 00:24:38.599
right? At the time. Sure. She was the problem,

00:24:38.720 --> 00:24:42.059
right? So a lot of us do that. When we're frustrated

00:24:42.059 --> 00:24:45.180
with something, we project our anger towards

00:24:45.180 --> 00:24:47.200
other people. and have other people deal with

00:24:47.200 --> 00:24:50.819
that instead of us regulating that. Yeah. So

00:24:50.819 --> 00:24:52.799
that's so interesting because that, I think,

00:24:52.960 --> 00:24:54.779
and I want to hear your take on this, I think

00:24:54.779 --> 00:24:56.980
this plays into the next thing that I was going

00:24:56.980 --> 00:25:00.059
to ask you about, which is then you've got Mirabel

00:25:00.059 --> 00:25:03.660
talking to Isabella. Mm -hmm. And she's telling

00:25:03.660 --> 00:25:07.099
Isabella that she's selfish. Right. Right. Because

00:25:07.099 --> 00:25:09.000
from Mirabelle's perspective, like, oh, OK, like

00:25:09.000 --> 00:25:11.460
I'm in all these things happen to me and she's

00:25:11.460 --> 00:25:13.519
rude to me. And so obviously she's got everything

00:25:13.519 --> 00:25:15.579
perfect. So she is so selfish. She's all about

00:25:15.579 --> 00:25:19.220
her. Yeah. And Isabella's response was selfish.

00:25:19.759 --> 00:25:22.160
I've been stuck being perfect my whole entire

00:25:22.160 --> 00:25:24.819
life. And literally the only thing you have ever

00:25:24.819 --> 00:25:27.359
done for me is mess things up. I never wanted

00:25:27.359 --> 00:25:29.640
to marry him. I was doing it for the family.

00:25:29.799 --> 00:25:35.099
Mm hmm. And so. Was Mirabel projecting onto Isabella?

00:25:35.220 --> 00:25:37.940
For sure, right? I think in a lot of ways, also

00:25:37.940 --> 00:25:40.480
her own insecurity. Yes. Because she didn't really

00:25:40.480 --> 00:25:43.720
have much, no magic in that sense. Yes. And so

00:25:43.720 --> 00:25:46.000
she projected her own insecurity to Isabella,

00:25:46.019 --> 00:25:49.440
but not knowing Isabella's part of the story

00:25:49.440 --> 00:25:51.440
too. Because she's struggling too. Totally. She's

00:25:51.440 --> 00:25:54.359
trying to be perfect to save the family, to please

00:25:54.359 --> 00:25:55.839
the family. Yeah, she's going to marry this guy

00:25:55.839 --> 00:25:57.920
because that's what she's supposed to do. Right,

00:25:57.920 --> 00:26:00.000
exactly. Not because she wants to. How many of

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:02.740
us do that? Yeah, we take action because we think

00:26:02.740 --> 00:26:04.400
that's what our family wants. That's what our

00:26:04.400 --> 00:26:07.200
parents want. We're trying to please them. Which

00:26:07.200 --> 00:26:10.180
is, I think, back to that, like, I guess tie

00:26:10.180 --> 00:26:14.539
that in. Tie that in how that's manifesting intergenerational

00:26:14.539 --> 00:26:18.279
trauma for her to have done that and acted in

00:26:18.279 --> 00:26:20.819
the way that she did. Yeah, it's survival again,

00:26:21.000 --> 00:26:24.220
right? So Isabella thinks that she needs to be

00:26:24.220 --> 00:26:27.819
perfect to survive because imagine if she's not

00:26:27.819 --> 00:26:29.720
perfect. What's that going to look like? And

00:26:29.720 --> 00:26:31.779
I think we did see that in the movie, too, where

00:26:31.779 --> 00:26:33.839
she didn't want to marry the guy, I think, right?

00:26:34.140 --> 00:26:36.599
Totally. And people didn't like her because of

00:26:36.599 --> 00:26:40.660
that. So to save herself, to keep her in that

00:26:40.660 --> 00:26:44.019
position of admiration from the family and all

00:26:44.019 --> 00:26:46.660
of that, she needs to play that role. Same with

00:26:46.660 --> 00:26:49.319
Louisa and Bruno. Even Bruno. Bruno's the hard

00:26:49.319 --> 00:26:54.099
one. Where if she told the truth, sorry, if he

00:26:54.099 --> 00:26:57.140
told the truth, he would be shunned. Because

00:26:57.140 --> 00:26:59.079
he did that, nobody wants to do that. So that

00:26:59.079 --> 00:27:01.140
disruption, I think, taught everybody to just

00:27:01.140 --> 00:27:03.539
stay quiet and just do whatever you do to survive.

00:27:03.880 --> 00:27:05.839
Yeah, because Bruno said when they were asking

00:27:05.839 --> 00:27:07.839
him, when Mirabelle was asking about it afterwards,

00:27:08.059 --> 00:27:10.579
my gift wasn't helping the family. Right. But

00:27:10.579 --> 00:27:12.799
I love my family, you know? Yeah. Like, that's

00:27:12.799 --> 00:27:17.519
going to make me emotional. Yeah. He thinks the

00:27:17.519 --> 00:27:19.019
things that he's doing aren't helping. Right.

00:27:19.079 --> 00:27:21.079
And he loves them. Right. And so what's his option?

00:27:21.549 --> 00:27:23.710
Just leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to

00:27:23.710 --> 00:27:25.109
leave. I don't want to hurt him anymore. Exactly.

00:27:25.130 --> 00:27:27.369
Because we haven't dealt with that trauma that's

00:27:27.369 --> 00:27:28.769
there. Exactly. We haven't dealt with how do

00:27:28.769 --> 00:27:30.730
we get to the bottom of this so we can actually

00:27:30.730 --> 00:27:33.029
fix it. Right. And so he feels like he has to

00:27:33.029 --> 00:27:34.990
just leave. Like, oh my gosh, that just gets

00:27:34.990 --> 00:27:37.650
me to my core. And Bruno, I think, in my perspective,

00:27:37.690 --> 00:27:39.809
Bruno was also the only one who told the truth.

00:27:39.990 --> 00:27:42.549
Yeah. That nobody was ready for it. Yeah. So

00:27:42.549 --> 00:27:46.730
they exiled him. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, then...

00:27:46.880 --> 00:27:49.039
you know, as we see kind of this story play now,

00:27:49.119 --> 00:27:51.000
let's hit Louisa as well, right? She clearly

00:27:51.000 --> 00:27:53.819
has a bit of that same thing, right? And I think

00:27:53.819 --> 00:27:56.799
that's why her song, Surface Pressure, is so

00:27:56.799 --> 00:27:59.960
emblematic of this. where she's just taking everything

00:27:59.960 --> 00:28:02.039
literally on her shoulders and figuratively on

00:28:02.039 --> 00:28:03.779
her shoulders, right? Because she's the strong

00:28:03.779 --> 00:28:06.099
one. I mean, how relatable is Louisa, honestly?

00:28:06.279 --> 00:28:08.380
Like, she's the strong one. She's got to carry

00:28:08.380 --> 00:28:10.579
the weight for everybody in the family. She can't

00:28:10.579 --> 00:28:13.359
show any cracks. She can't because she has to

00:28:13.359 --> 00:28:15.680
be strong. She has to do everything that she's

00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:19.279
asked to do so that the family can stay strong,

00:28:19.359 --> 00:28:21.960
so the family can keep doing things to serve

00:28:21.960 --> 00:28:26.680
others. And meanwhile, she is experiencing, like,

00:28:27.240 --> 00:28:30.680
the insecurity and the weight of it all and the

00:28:30.680 --> 00:28:33.700
stress of it all. Pressure. Surface pressure,

00:28:34.000 --> 00:28:36.480
yeah. It's all this pressure that she's being

00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:39.720
saddled with just because people think she can

00:28:39.720 --> 00:28:41.559
handle it. Right, right. And without ever asking

00:28:41.559 --> 00:28:44.480
her. That's why I think it's so interesting when

00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:46.640
we look at what this story is with the way that

00:28:46.640 --> 00:28:50.279
Isabella and Luisa and Bruno and others, it's

00:28:50.279 --> 00:28:53.339
playing out in what Mirabel, even though she

00:28:53.339 --> 00:28:55.519
did some projection, what she's able to do to

00:28:55.519 --> 00:29:00.130
help start. breaking that intergenerational trauma

00:29:00.130 --> 00:29:02.170
right right and that's the way that i'm thinking

00:29:02.170 --> 00:29:03.630
that this is playing out is that kind of the

00:29:03.630 --> 00:29:05.069
way that you're seeing it yeah for sure how does

00:29:05.069 --> 00:29:07.289
that happen how is she able to start doing that

00:29:07.289 --> 00:29:10.170
when she starts actually sitting down and listening

00:29:10.170 --> 00:29:12.250
to her like her siblings and her cousins yeah

00:29:12.250 --> 00:29:15.089
i think that's an interesting question i never

00:29:15.089 --> 00:29:17.329
thought about it that way i feel like she was

00:29:17.329 --> 00:29:20.170
put in that position because she didn't have

00:29:20.569 --> 00:29:24.069
any magical powers i felt like she was forced

00:29:24.069 --> 00:29:26.430
into needing to address all of these because

00:29:26.430 --> 00:29:28.289
she didn't have any magical powers but can you

00:29:28.289 --> 00:29:30.690
imagine if she did i don't think the trauma will

00:29:30.690 --> 00:29:34.029
be addressed i think that's right right i think

00:29:34.029 --> 00:29:37.349
that's right you know uh it's like she's she's

00:29:37.349 --> 00:29:39.829
not given a gift at least not in the traditional

00:29:39.829 --> 00:29:43.329
sense right right so she thinks that she doesn't

00:29:43.329 --> 00:29:46.289
have something to offer but in the absence of

00:29:46.289 --> 00:29:49.640
that traditional gift she's able to see something

00:29:49.640 --> 00:29:52.220
everybody else isn't. Yes. That was such a pivotal

00:29:52.220 --> 00:29:55.259
moment for the movie because if she was given

00:29:55.259 --> 00:29:57.519
a gift, this would not have happened. And because

00:29:57.519 --> 00:29:59.819
she wasn't given the traditional gift, I think

00:29:59.819 --> 00:30:03.039
that forced everybody to address it because,

00:30:03.220 --> 00:30:05.279
you know, that's the elephant in the room at

00:30:05.279 --> 00:30:08.400
the moment. Yeah. And then I think especially

00:30:08.400 --> 00:30:11.359
with Abuela, she's forced to reconcile that,

00:30:11.440 --> 00:30:15.710
right? What role did she actually play? and causing

00:30:15.710 --> 00:30:17.289
this pressure that each one of them was under

00:30:17.289 --> 00:30:20.809
to be perfect, to not do things wrong, to have

00:30:20.809 --> 00:30:24.130
to never worry about themselves, only ever worry

00:30:24.130 --> 00:30:27.809
about somebody else, because it's a born of necessity.

00:30:28.069 --> 00:30:29.789
That's what we have to do. We have to do this.

00:30:29.910 --> 00:30:32.210
It's their identity. It became such an identity

00:30:32.210 --> 00:30:34.650
that they couldn't break away with it. But how

00:30:34.650 --> 00:30:37.049
beautiful is that, that Abuela was able to say,

00:30:37.089 --> 00:30:39.309
I was wrong. That was her exact word, right?

00:30:39.410 --> 00:30:43.130
I was wrong. Accountability. And then it came

00:30:43.130 --> 00:30:48.460
in. in this really beautiful way, right? It's,

00:30:48.460 --> 00:30:51.700
you know, with it. So the song Dos Orguitas,

00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:55.000
you're familiar with that song, right? When I

00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:57.140
think about that song and break it down, especially

00:30:57.140 --> 00:30:59.119
in relation to exactly what we're talking about,

00:30:59.299 --> 00:31:03.319
it's this idea of they're kind of like these

00:31:03.319 --> 00:31:05.740
little caterpillars, right? And in your life,

00:31:05.759 --> 00:31:08.470
these little caterpillars. What they're having

00:31:08.470 --> 00:31:10.410
to do and go through this experience is they're

00:31:10.410 --> 00:31:12.609
having to go in that cocoon and they're having

00:31:12.609 --> 00:31:16.410
to reemerge, having been healed from and learned

00:31:16.410 --> 00:31:19.349
from and break free from the actual cocoon or

00:31:19.349 --> 00:31:21.730
break free figuratively from this trauma that's

00:31:21.730 --> 00:31:23.450
bound them up. They had to do it. They go in

00:31:23.450 --> 00:31:25.609
this cocoon. They're having to protect themselves

00:31:25.609 --> 00:31:27.269
from the world. They're having to protect themselves

00:31:27.269 --> 00:31:28.710
from all these bad things that were happening

00:31:28.710 --> 00:31:32.289
around them. But now it's kept it constricted.

00:31:32.609 --> 00:31:35.589
So they're not actually able to fully recognize

00:31:35.589 --> 00:31:39.289
and realize. what gifts they truly have. Right.

00:31:39.730 --> 00:31:41.349
Because they're still stuck in this little cocoon.

00:31:41.369 --> 00:31:44.390
It was so rigid. So rigid. Right. It was kind

00:31:44.390 --> 00:31:47.130
of like gender roles almost, right? They have

00:31:47.130 --> 00:31:49.569
their own roles and they have to do it. When

00:31:49.569 --> 00:31:52.630
they pivot away from it, they get burned. Yes.

00:31:52.690 --> 00:31:54.930
Like they get shunned. Yes. Again, like Bruno.

00:31:55.150 --> 00:31:57.750
Yeah. Right. And then when they're actually able

00:31:57.750 --> 00:32:01.049
to break free from that and actually able to

00:32:01.049 --> 00:32:05.039
become the butterfly. Right. right? Spread their

00:32:05.039 --> 00:32:07.420
wings. Now they're actually able to recognize

00:32:07.420 --> 00:32:10.119
and realize. And then the very end, the song

00:32:10.119 --> 00:32:14.099
where they're rebuilding the casita, right? And

00:32:14.099 --> 00:32:16.599
then it's just really this magical moment where

00:32:16.599 --> 00:32:19.480
they're all kind of lined up in the pathway leading

00:32:19.480 --> 00:32:21.480
up to the home and Mirabelle's walking up and

00:32:21.480 --> 00:32:24.380
they give her the little doorknob to put on the

00:32:24.380 --> 00:32:27.119
home. And they're talking very specifically and

00:32:27.119 --> 00:32:29.400
Bruno says it too, like, hey, the real gift is

00:32:29.400 --> 00:32:32.299
you, kid. Yeah. Right? Like, it's not some...

00:32:32.680 --> 00:32:34.960
gift that you're given. No, it's you. It's each

00:32:34.960 --> 00:32:38.660
one of us. Like we are independently the gift.

00:32:38.720 --> 00:32:41.160
Yes. So we have certain skills and we can use

00:32:41.160 --> 00:32:43.019
those skills, but ultimately like we have to

00:32:43.019 --> 00:32:46.880
be healed from within because we ourselves are

00:32:46.880 --> 00:32:48.599
the gift, which I think is really, I mean, it's

00:32:48.599 --> 00:32:50.819
a really great message, right? Such a great message.

00:32:50.839 --> 00:32:54.480
And also kind of to tap into that, right. It's

00:32:54.480 --> 00:33:00.059
also like, we don't have to prove something to

00:33:00.059 --> 00:33:03.839
be loved. Yeah. You know, like that worth, right?

00:33:03.900 --> 00:33:06.059
That self -worth. I think sometimes when you

00:33:06.059 --> 00:33:08.859
get into like our jobs, our career, like we get

00:33:08.859 --> 00:33:10.980
into the mode of like, we need to prove something.

00:33:10.980 --> 00:33:12.900
We need to make certain amount of money to prove

00:33:12.900 --> 00:33:15.420
something that we're great or whatever. But like,

00:33:15.440 --> 00:33:17.900
I think at the end of that movie, it's like the

00:33:17.900 --> 00:33:20.000
gift is you. Like you don't need to prove anything

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:23.400
to be worthy to be in this family. Yeah. That's

00:33:23.400 --> 00:33:25.980
beautiful. So I had a couple other quotes from

00:33:25.980 --> 00:33:28.329
you, for you, not in the movie. Other quotes

00:33:28.329 --> 00:33:30.410
from other people. Do you know Brene Brown? Yes.

00:33:30.410 --> 00:33:32.029
Of course you do. I love Brene Brown. Right?

00:33:32.829 --> 00:33:35.470
She talks a lot about shame. Yeah. Right? And

00:33:35.470 --> 00:33:38.029
one of the things she talks about in shame in

00:33:38.029 --> 00:33:40.390
her TED Talk was, she said, if you put shame

00:33:40.390 --> 00:33:42.470
in a Petri dish, it needs three ingredients to

00:33:42.470 --> 00:33:45.690
grow exponentially. Secrecy, silence, and judgment.

00:33:46.750 --> 00:33:48.650
And that's what these people experience. If you

00:33:48.650 --> 00:33:50.269
put the same amount of shame in the Petri dish

00:33:50.269 --> 00:33:52.269
and douse it with empathy, it can't survive.

00:33:53.430 --> 00:33:56.420
So it's like... To me, it was so much of what

00:33:56.420 --> 00:33:58.839
they're experiencing, right? Was this shame.

00:33:59.099 --> 00:34:02.539
Yeah. And then the empathy, I think, in part

00:34:02.539 --> 00:34:06.539
came from Mirabel. Where she was able to be empathetic

00:34:06.539 --> 00:34:08.960
to what they're going through. Yeah. And that's

00:34:08.960 --> 00:34:12.239
a gift. Yes. Right? That's exactly right. Right.

00:34:12.300 --> 00:34:15.360
Because no other family members could empathize

00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:17.699
for so long. And she was the only one who could

00:34:17.699 --> 00:34:20.179
break through that. That was beautiful. That's

00:34:20.179 --> 00:34:23.800
such a great take on that. Her gift was empathy.

00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:26.159
Yeah. Which is born from love, right? Yeah, right.

00:34:26.159 --> 00:34:28.460
You can't have empathy without love. Right. And

00:34:28.460 --> 00:34:30.619
when she was able to have that empathy and show

00:34:30.619 --> 00:34:33.519
that love to Luisa. Right. To Isabella. To Isabella

00:34:33.519 --> 00:34:36.440
too, yeah. To Dolores. Right. Right. To Bruno.

00:34:36.639 --> 00:34:38.739
To Bruno. Yeah. Oh, especially to Bruno. Right.

00:34:38.800 --> 00:34:41.940
Then suddenly. the secrecy that they all have

00:34:41.940 --> 00:34:44.059
with what their hardship is because each one

00:34:44.059 --> 00:34:46.480
of them was yeah bruno actually silent leaves

00:34:46.480 --> 00:34:48.900
luisa not telling anybody about her cracks isabella

00:34:48.900 --> 00:34:50.679
just trying to be perfect all the time not saying

00:34:50.679 --> 00:34:53.360
it right dolores knowing a lot and holding it

00:34:53.360 --> 00:34:55.400
back she knew bruno was there the whole time

00:34:55.400 --> 00:34:57.880
because she can hear him like i can't say anything

00:34:57.880 --> 00:34:59.539
i'm not gonna be the one that says something

00:34:59.539 --> 00:35:01.820
nope this won't be a secrecy right because he's

00:35:01.820 --> 00:35:04.400
got shame i've got shame we can't do it yeah

00:35:04.940 --> 00:35:07.800
So then as Mirabelle comes in with her gift,

00:35:08.019 --> 00:35:10.000
which I think you're exactly right, is empathy,

00:35:10.260 --> 00:35:14.610
able to help. break down that petri dish of shame.

00:35:14.750 --> 00:35:17.429
Yeah, and understanding and curiosity, right?

00:35:17.489 --> 00:35:20.949
I think we don't live our lives with enough curiosity

00:35:20.949 --> 00:35:24.130
to understand people. I think a lot of time,

00:35:24.190 --> 00:35:26.230
even in that movie, it's that everyone has their

00:35:26.230 --> 00:35:28.250
own struggles. We just don't talk about it. But

00:35:28.250 --> 00:35:30.809
when we come on the lens of curiosity, we know

00:35:30.809 --> 00:35:33.449
people struggle more and we can connect better

00:35:33.449 --> 00:35:36.150
when we know that too. And we can show up better.

00:35:36.309 --> 00:35:38.590
I think Mirabelle just really wanted to show

00:35:38.590 --> 00:35:42.119
up with the sisters and the cousins. She just

00:35:42.119 --> 00:35:43.780
didn't know how. Right. And you can see her efforts,

00:35:43.860 --> 00:35:45.579
too. Yeah. She's trying to, when they're first

00:35:45.579 --> 00:35:50.079
putting together the party for Antonio to get

00:35:50.079 --> 00:35:51.440
his gift. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's trying

00:35:51.440 --> 00:35:53.300
to make the little things with the little candles.

00:35:53.400 --> 00:35:54.920
And she's trying to do everything she can to

00:35:54.920 --> 00:35:57.800
participate. Right. She didn't have a gift. Everyone's

00:35:57.800 --> 00:35:58.880
kind of like, ah, you don't need to do that.

00:35:59.000 --> 00:36:01.219
Like, Abuela's like, hey, step aside. Like, let

00:36:01.219 --> 00:36:03.340
other people do it. Right. But she's trying to.

00:36:03.360 --> 00:36:05.539
She's trying to find ways that she can serve.

00:36:05.780 --> 00:36:07.599
To show up, yeah. And then ultimately finds,

00:36:07.699 --> 00:36:09.280
you know. I think the best way, which was through

00:36:09.280 --> 00:36:11.900
empathy. So when we think about, we take a step

00:36:11.900 --> 00:36:14.039
away specifically from incontinence, we'll still

00:36:14.039 --> 00:36:17.639
look at the lens. When we think about intergenerational

00:36:17.639 --> 00:36:21.960
trauma that people have, what do they do with

00:36:21.960 --> 00:36:23.880
that? First off, how does somebody recognize

00:36:23.880 --> 00:36:26.599
that they have some of that in their life, in

00:36:26.599 --> 00:36:28.409
their family? And then what do they do with that

00:36:28.409 --> 00:36:30.889
information once they recognize that that's something

00:36:30.889 --> 00:36:34.050
that is harming them or something they are experiencing?

00:36:34.309 --> 00:36:37.670
Yeah, such a good question. How do we know if

00:36:37.670 --> 00:36:39.929
we have some kind of an intergenerational trauma?

00:36:41.090 --> 00:36:45.269
A big indication is when you're with your family

00:36:45.269 --> 00:36:47.300
and you cannot talk about something. There's

00:36:47.300 --> 00:36:52.940
always something. In my work, what I see a lot

00:36:52.940 --> 00:36:56.500
is abuse. We cannot talk about the abuse, usually

00:36:56.500 --> 00:36:59.000
from a family member. We cannot talk about the

00:36:59.000 --> 00:37:02.320
addiction. When there's addiction in the family,

00:37:02.380 --> 00:37:04.579
usually you can't talk about that. So I would

00:37:04.579 --> 00:37:06.440
say if there's something that you feel like you

00:37:06.440 --> 00:37:09.320
cannot talk about and it triggers that kind of

00:37:09.320 --> 00:37:12.360
really ugh emotions for you, I would say that's

00:37:12.360 --> 00:37:14.360
a good indicator that you're going through some

00:37:14.360 --> 00:37:17.530
kind of a trauma in your family. And so once

00:37:17.530 --> 00:37:20.110
you recognize it, what do you do about it? Yeah.

00:37:20.570 --> 00:37:22.449
Because it's not always easy, right? No, yeah.

00:37:22.510 --> 00:37:24.610
If there are certain things that are very taboo

00:37:24.610 --> 00:37:27.070
to talk about, you can recognize it's there,

00:37:27.210 --> 00:37:29.909
but then how in the world do you approach it?

00:37:30.130 --> 00:37:32.289
I think the first question you need to ask yourself

00:37:32.289 --> 00:37:35.769
is what do you want to do with this? Kind of

00:37:35.769 --> 00:37:39.949
circling back to my own story, right? You don't

00:37:39.949 --> 00:37:42.619
know you grew up in the... you know in the abusive

00:37:42.619 --> 00:37:45.300
childhood until you get out of it and you're

00:37:45.300 --> 00:37:47.320
like like that's not normal right that's not

00:37:47.320 --> 00:37:49.599
normal like oh your dad don't yell at you all

00:37:49.599 --> 00:37:53.019
the time like that's weird so you so i would

00:37:53.019 --> 00:37:54.920
say you live in it for so long you don't know

00:37:54.920 --> 00:37:57.039
until you know something different and you're

00:37:57.039 --> 00:38:00.300
like oh that's not normal so when you get the

00:38:00.300 --> 00:38:02.699
aha moment i want you to ask yourself like what

00:38:02.699 --> 00:38:05.639
do you want to do with this so for me when i

00:38:05.639 --> 00:38:08.260
realized that i had quite an abusive childhood

00:38:08.260 --> 00:38:10.679
and not like canny or like not physical. It was

00:38:10.679 --> 00:38:13.780
a lot of emotion, emotional abuse. Um, I asked

00:38:13.780 --> 00:38:15.360
myself like, what do I want to do with this?

00:38:15.440 --> 00:38:19.519
At first I wanted kind of like a revenge, right?

00:38:19.619 --> 00:38:21.940
Like kind of like, I want my dad to feel it.

00:38:21.980 --> 00:38:24.460
You know, I want my dad to feel like how it was,

00:38:24.599 --> 00:38:26.280
like how painful it was and stuff like that.

00:38:26.340 --> 00:38:29.380
So I spent a lot of time being angry, being angry

00:38:29.380 --> 00:38:31.579
with him at him and like, you know, like journaling

00:38:31.579 --> 00:38:33.539
a lot of just angry stuff and kind of want to,

00:38:33.599 --> 00:38:36.639
you know, yell at him and stuff like that. Um,

00:38:37.260 --> 00:38:39.400
So I spent a lot of time being angry, but then

00:38:39.400 --> 00:38:41.980
I realized that anger is not bringing me anywhere.

00:38:42.500 --> 00:38:44.860
I think a lot of people get stuck just in that

00:38:44.860 --> 00:38:47.699
phase, the anger part, where you blame, you shame,

00:38:47.780 --> 00:38:49.780
you blame, and it's everyone else's problem.

00:38:50.199 --> 00:38:53.000
But as an adult, you have to realize your life

00:38:53.000 --> 00:38:56.139
is what you make out of it. If you want to continue

00:38:56.139 --> 00:38:58.139
to be angry at your dad, you can. But do I want

00:38:58.139 --> 00:39:00.159
to live that life and be miserable? I actually

00:39:00.159 --> 00:39:02.099
love my dad. I want to have a connection with

00:39:02.099 --> 00:39:05.239
him. So what I did was I went to therapy. I had

00:39:05.239 --> 00:39:07.400
to be really, really honest with myself. Like,

00:39:07.440 --> 00:39:09.940
you know, I didn't have a part in it, right?

00:39:10.059 --> 00:39:14.719
But I can make a change now as an adult. So as

00:39:14.719 --> 00:39:18.059
an adult, what can I do? I'm a mother now. Obviously,

00:39:18.059 --> 00:39:20.559
I have some tendencies from my dad. Sure. That

00:39:20.559 --> 00:39:23.260
absolutely happens, right? Right. Like, you know,

00:39:23.340 --> 00:39:24.699
like in your head, I don't want to be my dad.

00:39:24.780 --> 00:39:26.519
But then, you know, you are your dad sometimes

00:39:26.519 --> 00:39:28.719
when you're triggered and all of that. So I have

00:39:28.719 --> 00:39:31.480
to check myself so much to like, OK, not repeat

00:39:31.480 --> 00:39:34.599
this and not, you know, change the pattern. I'm

00:39:34.599 --> 00:39:36.679
learning some things because in my culture, there's

00:39:36.679 --> 00:39:39.500
a lot of shaming you. If somebody if the kid

00:39:39.500 --> 00:39:41.719
doesn't want to do what you said, you shame them.

00:39:42.079 --> 00:39:44.179
Like, you're going to be stupid. You're going

00:39:44.179 --> 00:39:45.739
to be homeless and stuff like that. You shame

00:39:45.739 --> 00:39:47.239
them until they do something that you want to

00:39:47.239 --> 00:39:49.559
do. But that's not usually the best thing to

00:39:49.559 --> 00:39:52.699
do with your kids. Yeah, shaming is not an effective

00:39:52.699 --> 00:39:57.199
tool for, like, lasting impact. Right. You might

00:39:57.199 --> 00:39:59.800
get them to take that action in that moment.

00:40:00.099 --> 00:40:04.409
Right. But long term, no. For you, Brene Brown

00:40:04.409 --> 00:40:05.730
talks a little bit about this. What's the difference

00:40:05.730 --> 00:40:08.030
between shame and guilt? I think she talks about

00:40:08.030 --> 00:40:10.769
it like shame is generally bad. Guilt's not necessarily

00:40:10.769 --> 00:40:14.449
bad. What's the difference? I think shame is

00:40:14.449 --> 00:40:19.389
very internally judging. You're judging yourself

00:40:19.389 --> 00:40:21.769
internally. You feel like you're in trouble a

00:40:21.769 --> 00:40:27.010
lot. Guilt can fuel action. So if you feel guilty,

00:40:27.090 --> 00:40:29.289
you feel like, oh, you want to do something different.

00:40:29.469 --> 00:40:32.010
So I would say shame is more internal. Guilt

00:40:32.010 --> 00:40:34.230
is more maybe action -based for some people.

00:40:34.230 --> 00:40:36.650
Okay. I like that. I like that difference there.

00:40:36.789 --> 00:40:39.690
Yeah. Okay. So somebody is experiencing this.

00:40:39.750 --> 00:40:42.269
They recognize it. They've got to decide what

00:40:42.269 --> 00:40:45.409
they want to do with it. You said that sometimes,

00:40:45.550 --> 00:40:47.590
like for you, you felt anger. Yeah. Is that?

00:40:47.900 --> 00:40:50.139
Is that an essential step that somebody needs

00:40:50.139 --> 00:40:54.139
to go through that emotion of feeling the anger

00:40:54.139 --> 00:40:56.539
and not shying away from feeling anger about

00:40:56.539 --> 00:40:58.960
it? Or what component does that play in this

00:40:58.960 --> 00:41:02.079
process of trying to heal from this intergenerational

00:41:02.079 --> 00:41:05.420
trauma? Yeah, I think when it comes to healing

00:41:05.420 --> 00:41:09.119
trauma or like trauma from the past, especially.

00:41:10.010 --> 00:41:12.170
There's two, I feel like there's two kinds of

00:41:12.170 --> 00:41:15.030
people. One who would say like, oh, everything's

00:41:15.030 --> 00:41:17.469
fine. I was fine. You know, it wasn't such a

00:41:17.469 --> 00:41:19.789
big deal or like I got through it. It was fine.

00:41:19.909 --> 00:41:22.550
But there are a lot of time, a lot of time when

00:41:22.550 --> 00:41:25.230
that happens is that they are not wanting to

00:41:25.230 --> 00:41:27.309
address the feelings, not wanting to even go

00:41:27.309 --> 00:41:29.250
there because they know if they go there, the

00:41:29.250 --> 00:41:31.570
feelings are overflowing, right? It's hard to,

00:41:31.570 --> 00:41:35.210
it's hard to engage or like regulate. So there's

00:41:35.210 --> 00:41:37.230
that one. And then the other ones are like feeling

00:41:37.230 --> 00:41:40.030
a lot, right? Anger and just being. stuck there

00:41:40.030 --> 00:41:42.269
it's like just being stuck in that negative loop

00:41:42.269 --> 00:41:44.730
of like oh it's it's his fault it's whatever

00:41:44.730 --> 00:41:46.449
it's other people's fault and I'm not going to

00:41:46.449 --> 00:41:49.570
acknowledge that so so there's two types of people

00:41:49.570 --> 00:41:52.989
so I think in a way I think it's really good

00:41:52.989 --> 00:41:54.929
to kind of process like what you want to get

00:41:54.929 --> 00:41:57.349
out of that so yes feeling the feelings it very

00:41:57.349 --> 00:42:00.210
important but we need to get out of that feelings

00:42:00.210 --> 00:42:03.289
too yeah and more action -based and what do we

00:42:03.289 --> 00:42:06.219
want to get out of that feelings So when someone's

00:42:06.219 --> 00:42:09.519
experiencing those emotions of anger for past

00:42:09.519 --> 00:42:13.739
trauma and they decide what they want to do with

00:42:13.739 --> 00:42:16.820
it, how do they decide? How do they come up with

00:42:16.820 --> 00:42:19.980
what that is they want to do? If they're unsure,

00:42:20.260 --> 00:42:24.389
if they're lost about what that means or... what

00:42:24.389 --> 00:42:26.610
the options even are. How do they go about figuring

00:42:26.610 --> 00:42:28.889
out what it is they want to do with that? Yeah,

00:42:28.949 --> 00:42:32.510
good question. I think for me, it was just more

00:42:32.510 --> 00:42:35.469
of like, do I want to live a life where I'm just

00:42:35.469 --> 00:42:37.949
really angry with my dad all my life? You're

00:42:37.949 --> 00:42:41.010
talking 80 years, maybe potentially 80 years

00:42:41.010 --> 00:42:43.630
of like hating somebody. Not really. Like, I

00:42:43.630 --> 00:42:46.369
don't want to have that kind of a negative feeling

00:42:46.369 --> 00:42:47.949
in me, right? Because ultimately, I'm the one

00:42:47.949 --> 00:42:50.769
suffering. My dad's fine. He's gone through it.

00:42:50.769 --> 00:42:54.269
He's fine. He's healed, right? the one who's

00:42:54.269 --> 00:42:56.989
like carrying all of that so i would say check

00:42:56.989 --> 00:43:00.489
in with that and the next move will just be you

00:43:00.489 --> 00:43:02.489
know once you decided what you want out of it

00:43:02.489 --> 00:43:04.949
the next one will be seeking resources and help

00:43:04.949 --> 00:43:09.070
asking for support like maybe going up um sorry

00:43:09.070 --> 00:43:11.269
connecting with people who went through similarly

00:43:11.269 --> 00:43:14.630
siblings are usually good but even with siblings

00:43:14.630 --> 00:43:17.070
everyone usually have very different experiences

00:43:17.070 --> 00:43:20.570
childhood experiences too um therapy is always

00:43:20.570 --> 00:43:24.010
good you know having that third person that don't

00:43:24.010 --> 00:43:26.130
know you and don't know the dynamics and not

00:43:26.130 --> 00:43:28.309
really engage in, you know, all of this trauma,

00:43:28.389 --> 00:43:31.750
have them help you kind of sort it out for you.

00:43:31.809 --> 00:43:34.130
Um, and making sure that that's a good fit too,

00:43:34.210 --> 00:43:36.690
because a lot of people do not understand cultural

00:43:36.690 --> 00:43:39.630
drama, uh, trauma. Sorry. Sure. Yeah. So we need

00:43:39.630 --> 00:43:41.309
to make sure that the people that we seek out,

00:43:41.309 --> 00:43:44.949
seek help for from is also in line to our values.

00:43:45.150 --> 00:43:47.389
Yeah. Yeah. That's a great, that's a great point.

00:43:47.429 --> 00:43:49.389
You know, if somebody can't at all understand.

00:43:50.599 --> 00:43:53.360
what that experience was. They can't relate to

00:43:53.360 --> 00:43:55.000
it at all. It's going to make it a little bit

00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:56.920
harder for them to give you good advice about

00:43:56.920 --> 00:43:59.440
what to do. I mean, just as something as simple

00:43:59.440 --> 00:44:02.159
as culture, right? Like I come from Asian culture

00:44:02.159 --> 00:44:05.280
and you come from Western culture. When we talk

00:44:05.280 --> 00:44:06.900
about boundaries, when we talk about families.

00:44:07.690 --> 00:44:10.309
it's so different right like i think in the western

00:44:10.309 --> 00:44:13.590
culture it's very socially acceptable to cut

00:44:13.590 --> 00:44:16.090
people off cut your family off but in asian culture

00:44:16.090 --> 00:44:19.929
oh my gosh like we have a lot of intermingling

00:44:19.929 --> 00:44:22.070
things and culturally it's just not something

00:44:22.070 --> 00:44:25.889
that we do so if you go to a therapist who who

00:44:25.889 --> 00:44:28.070
you know who's okay with cutting people off there

00:44:28.070 --> 00:44:29.989
will be a lot of this alignment there with values

00:44:29.989 --> 00:44:33.590
too so seeking appropriate help with a good fit

00:44:33.590 --> 00:44:37.090
is important yeah definitely true So then somebody

00:44:37.090 --> 00:44:40.269
goes and kind of seeks that help and they're

00:44:40.269 --> 00:44:46.289
able to start breaking down this trauma and breaking

00:44:46.289 --> 00:44:48.769
out of the patterns that they might be stuck

00:44:48.769 --> 00:44:52.070
in because of this trauma. What does that look

00:44:52.070 --> 00:44:55.929
like in that process of trying to get rid of

00:44:55.929 --> 00:45:00.610
those patterns? Yeah. Oh my gosh, so hard. You

00:45:00.610 --> 00:45:04.110
will see a lot of people who rather, and I'm

00:45:04.110 --> 00:45:06.090
not saying this lightly, who rather stay in a

00:45:06.090 --> 00:45:09.429
trauma because it's easier. Yeah. Easier to deal

00:45:09.429 --> 00:45:12.570
because you know what to expect. You know how

00:45:12.570 --> 00:45:14.570
to deal with it when you're triggered. You know

00:45:14.570 --> 00:45:16.610
what happens next. You know your own narrative,

00:45:16.750 --> 00:45:19.489
right? But when you are trying to break out of

00:45:19.489 --> 00:45:21.170
it, it's going to be so uncomfortable because

00:45:21.170 --> 00:45:23.170
you need to sit with feelings that are very uncomfortable.

00:45:23.489 --> 00:45:26.329
Like, I need to take accountability on my life.

00:45:26.730 --> 00:45:29.769
A lot of trauma victims don't feel like they

00:45:29.769 --> 00:45:31.230
need to take accountability because it's not

00:45:31.230 --> 00:45:33.269
their fault. And it is not their fault. But the

00:45:33.269 --> 00:45:35.929
accountability comes from living the life that

00:45:35.929 --> 00:45:37.670
you want to live. That's the accountability that

00:45:37.670 --> 00:45:39.809
you need to take. And that's where the decision

00:45:39.809 --> 00:45:42.849
has to be made. What do you want to do with this

00:45:42.849 --> 00:45:44.989
trauma? How do you want to heal from it? So I

00:45:44.989 --> 00:45:47.329
would say a lot of sitting with the discomfort

00:45:47.329 --> 00:45:50.349
of changing patterns. So for example, for me,

00:45:50.510 --> 00:45:54.449
when my daughter, I have a seven -year -old daughter.

00:45:54.860 --> 00:45:56.579
Seven -year -old, of course. She's like, you

00:45:56.579 --> 00:45:58.699
know, she wants everything. She's just a mess.

00:45:58.780 --> 00:46:02.280
Like, she just wants to do everything. When she

00:46:02.280 --> 00:46:06.119
talks back at me in my culture, in the past,

00:46:06.119 --> 00:46:08.019
my dad would be like, you don't talk to me like

00:46:08.019 --> 00:46:09.960
that. You know, just shut it down right away

00:46:09.960 --> 00:46:14.239
and yell it back to her. To break that intergenerational

00:46:14.239 --> 00:46:17.239
trauma, I need to catch myself to not react to

00:46:17.239 --> 00:46:19.519
that the same way that I was reacted to because

00:46:19.519 --> 00:46:22.679
that doesn't make her feel safe, right? So I

00:46:22.679 --> 00:46:25.659
need to be more mindful of listening to respond

00:46:25.659 --> 00:46:28.900
instead of listening to react. That's accountability.

00:46:29.260 --> 00:46:31.280
That's breaking your own generational trauma.

00:46:31.679 --> 00:46:34.900
It stops with you. Well, I mean, that leads perfectly

00:46:34.900 --> 00:46:36.860
to, I guess, a little bit further down that path,

00:46:36.940 --> 00:46:39.780
the same basic thing, which is once someone's

00:46:39.780 --> 00:46:43.849
able to break the patterns they have, how do

00:46:43.849 --> 00:46:47.190
you help make sure you don't pass those on? How

00:46:47.190 --> 00:46:49.429
do you make sure that now you don't continue

00:46:49.429 --> 00:46:52.309
that intergenerational trauma and your kids continue

00:46:52.309 --> 00:46:53.949
to experience those same things that you had

00:46:53.949 --> 00:46:56.130
experienced? Because I think for a lot of people,

00:46:56.170 --> 00:47:00.360
that's hard. Even though we know certain things

00:47:00.360 --> 00:47:02.119
that we didn't like that our parents did. Right?

00:47:02.139 --> 00:47:04.119
We could even name them. Yeah. And probably many

00:47:04.119 --> 00:47:07.099
of them. Right. And yet in the moment, in the

00:47:07.099 --> 00:47:09.699
heat of the moment especially, we revert to what

00:47:09.699 --> 00:47:11.219
we know because it's the only thing that we know.

00:47:11.280 --> 00:47:13.480
Right. Exactly. Like, okay, I experienced that

00:47:13.480 --> 00:47:15.480
before. I saw that. I'm going to do that. Right.

00:47:16.059 --> 00:47:19.280
How do you go about, like, really breaking that

00:47:19.280 --> 00:47:22.360
pattern? Yeah. I always ask, I always tell my,

00:47:22.380 --> 00:47:24.039
this is what I do. I always tell myself, like,

00:47:24.119 --> 00:47:29.019
is this worth spiraling for? so is this worth

00:47:29.019 --> 00:47:32.019
the battle picking like for example she didn't

00:47:32.019 --> 00:47:34.179
she wants to have chick -fil -a for dinner you

00:47:34.179 --> 00:47:37.280
know but i have already cooked dinner so then

00:47:37.760 --> 00:47:43.480
How do we manage that? Do we hear her what she

00:47:43.480 --> 00:47:46.900
wants? Or do we cave in too? Sometimes that can

00:47:46.900 --> 00:47:50.159
be seen as spoiling as well, right? Or do we

00:47:50.159 --> 00:47:52.699
set that boundary and be firm with that? And

00:47:52.699 --> 00:47:56.400
what did your family do that made you feel unsafe

00:47:56.400 --> 00:47:58.619
at the time? And what can you do to make your

00:47:58.619 --> 00:48:01.300
kids feel safe? So I would say taking that pause.

00:48:01.480 --> 00:48:03.539
Taking that pause before you respond. Taking

00:48:03.539 --> 00:48:06.599
that pause before you react. Even a one second

00:48:06.599 --> 00:48:09.059
or two. second breathe in and breathe out that

00:48:09.059 --> 00:48:11.619
could change so much of the trajectory of how

00:48:11.619 --> 00:48:13.679
you handle the situation because a lot of the

00:48:13.679 --> 00:48:16.260
time we know what we don't want to be sure but

00:48:16.260 --> 00:48:18.420
in the moment in the heat of moment we kind of

00:48:18.420 --> 00:48:20.579
cave into what we know yeah but when we take

00:48:20.579 --> 00:48:22.800
that step just that one or two seconds to breathe

00:48:22.800 --> 00:48:25.460
just one or two second i'm not taking not saying

00:48:25.460 --> 00:48:27.800
take five minutes just one or two second i think

00:48:27.800 --> 00:48:30.099
a lot of things can change that's how you break

00:48:30.099 --> 00:48:32.679
international intergenerational trauma is you

00:48:32.679 --> 00:48:35.260
change that pattern you stop that pattern how

00:48:35.260 --> 00:48:40.239
do you How do you resolve the inherent conflict

00:48:40.239 --> 00:48:45.760
there between spoiling a kid and holding really

00:48:45.760 --> 00:48:49.059
firm boundaries? Yeah, that will have to come

00:48:49.059 --> 00:48:53.320
from your family value. Like, what do you value?

00:48:53.420 --> 00:48:55.179
I think that example. Right. I think for me,

00:48:55.199 --> 00:48:57.300
what was happening there is that I had to tell

00:48:57.300 --> 00:49:00.119
her, like, hey, we're so privileged to be able

00:49:00.119 --> 00:49:03.920
to have a choice to go out or to eat in. So I

00:49:03.920 --> 00:49:05.639
had to tell her, like, I've already cooked the

00:49:05.639 --> 00:49:07.639
food and this is something that we have to eat

00:49:07.639 --> 00:49:09.880
tonight. But tomorrow we can do Chick -fil -A.

00:49:10.059 --> 00:49:14.900
So having her be heard as well and be safe and

00:49:14.900 --> 00:49:17.690
not react and be like, how dare you? suggest

00:49:17.690 --> 00:49:19.989
chick -fil -a there's dinner on the table you

00:49:19.989 --> 00:49:22.650
know just kind of how you respond really totally

00:49:22.650 --> 00:49:26.949
yeah so okay so so let me take a different slant

00:49:26.949 --> 00:49:32.230
at this uh same idea which is how do you help

00:49:32.230 --> 00:49:35.730
to break the patterns when you're dealing with

00:49:35.730 --> 00:49:39.110
a co -parenting situation as you know i'm a divorce

00:49:39.110 --> 00:49:40.909
attorney so i'm dealing with these things all

00:49:40.909 --> 00:49:43.570
day i also happen to have two boys with an ex

00:49:43.570 --> 00:49:46.159
yeah And so I think in co -parenting situations,

00:49:46.519 --> 00:49:51.159
a lot of things are more complicated. 100%. I'm

00:49:51.159 --> 00:49:53.039
also co -parenting, so I get you. Okay, so you

00:49:53.039 --> 00:49:55.380
get it. Yeah. You get it. So what was your question?

00:49:56.000 --> 00:49:59.760
How do you break those patterns? How do you help

00:49:59.760 --> 00:50:02.440
your kids not experience that same intergenerational

00:50:02.440 --> 00:50:05.280
trauma when you do have a co -parenting situation?

00:50:05.300 --> 00:50:08.079
So you can't. Always be there for those situations

00:50:08.079 --> 00:50:09.900
because they're only with you half the time or

00:50:09.900 --> 00:50:13.639
whatever it is. Right. Oh, this is so hard. And

00:50:13.639 --> 00:50:16.699
I tell this to myself, too. You control what

00:50:16.699 --> 00:50:20.239
you can control. You cannot control when your

00:50:20.239 --> 00:50:22.719
kids are away from you, but you can control when

00:50:22.719 --> 00:50:24.360
they're with you. So how do you want them to

00:50:24.360 --> 00:50:26.980
feel when they're with you? Do you want them

00:50:26.980 --> 00:50:29.170
to feel safe? What does safety look like for

00:50:29.170 --> 00:50:31.710
your kids? Maybe just listening to them more

00:50:31.710 --> 00:50:34.090
or being present with them, not scrolling on

00:50:34.090 --> 00:50:37.110
our phone. Or being that safe place to where

00:50:37.110 --> 00:50:39.550
they can tell us uncomfortable things without

00:50:39.550 --> 00:50:42.630
reaction. And that itself, just that, just three

00:50:42.630 --> 00:50:45.170
things, is already breaking a lot of generational

00:50:45.170 --> 00:50:47.550
trauma from a lot of families because we don't

00:50:47.550 --> 00:50:50.409
do that enough. So we control what we can control,

00:50:50.570 --> 00:50:52.530
and kids will know. I mean, you know, right?

00:50:52.610 --> 00:50:55.110
Kids know. And they'll find out. I think that's

00:50:55.110 --> 00:50:57.969
really insightful where... you know how do we

00:50:57.969 --> 00:50:59.829
want our kids to feel in our home and we want

00:50:59.829 --> 00:51:03.230
them to feel safe yeah and when we look at it

00:51:03.230 --> 00:51:05.289
through that lens i mean i'm already thinking

00:51:05.289 --> 00:51:06.829
right now about different decisions i would have

00:51:06.829 --> 00:51:08.449
made yesterday with my five -year -old right

00:51:08.449 --> 00:51:10.710
i'm already literally thinking about these things

00:51:10.710 --> 00:51:12.210
when we were trying to watch beauty and the beast

00:51:12.210 --> 00:51:14.190
last night okay we were experiencing the same

00:51:14.190 --> 00:51:17.860
thing and she's five But I can totally see this,

00:51:17.860 --> 00:51:20.699
like, I want her to feel safe. I do. And so some

00:51:20.699 --> 00:51:22.219
of the things that she and I were having this

00:51:22.219 --> 00:51:25.980
back and forth on at 5 and 43, like, oh, okay,

00:51:26.119 --> 00:51:28.300
I want her to feel safe, though. I could have

00:51:28.300 --> 00:51:30.940
made a different decision in the way that I held

00:51:30.940 --> 00:51:34.519
to this boundary or asked her to do that or she's

00:51:34.519 --> 00:51:35.840
getting upset and I need her to do something

00:51:35.840 --> 00:51:38.539
different. If my goal is, like, I actually want

00:51:38.539 --> 00:51:41.619
her to feel safe and loved, okay, I need to take

00:51:41.619 --> 00:51:44.179
a second or two. I need to think about this differently.

00:51:44.219 --> 00:51:46.840
And I can still have. a boundary that I set with

00:51:46.840 --> 00:51:48.460
her, but boy, it would have played out different.

00:51:48.739 --> 00:51:50.480
I would have totally done it different if I would

00:51:50.480 --> 00:51:52.739
have looked at that lens. I love that so much.

00:51:52.900 --> 00:51:55.480
Yeah, you're welcome. And I use that for myself

00:51:55.480 --> 00:51:58.139
so much. Even just yesterday, you know, she had

00:51:58.139 --> 00:52:00.119
a tantrum, of course, seven -year -old. She threw

00:52:00.119 --> 00:52:01.940
a fit because she wanted to draw another thing

00:52:01.940 --> 00:52:03.199
because we were drawing and she wanted to draw

00:52:03.199 --> 00:52:05.260
another thing and it's bedtime. So she threw

00:52:05.260 --> 00:52:07.800
a fit and then she went to her room. Her room

00:52:07.800 --> 00:52:10.840
is more like a safe place where I have combing

00:52:10.840 --> 00:52:13.039
posters and stuff like that, coping skills that

00:52:13.039 --> 00:52:16.380
she can use. So after like 10 minutes, she was

00:52:16.380 --> 00:52:21.260
in there. She came out and said, Mommy, I want

00:52:21.260 --> 00:52:23.699
to talk. I'm like, oh, that's cool that you said

00:52:23.699 --> 00:52:27.460
that. And then she's like, well, you don't love

00:52:27.460 --> 00:52:29.500
me. She said, well, Mommy, you don't love me.

00:52:29.539 --> 00:52:32.579
I'm like, that's... i love you maya in what ways

00:52:32.579 --> 00:52:35.480
have i shown that i don't love you today and

00:52:35.480 --> 00:52:36.920
then she's like well you didn't come and talk

00:52:36.920 --> 00:52:39.760
to me oh is that what you needed i can do that

00:52:39.760 --> 00:52:42.039
you know so just taking that even that pause

00:52:42.039 --> 00:52:43.860
and just really listening to what she needed

00:52:43.860 --> 00:52:46.300
she really just needed a hug after that yeah

00:52:46.300 --> 00:52:48.760
and i can give it to her i don't need to and

00:52:48.760 --> 00:52:50.960
you asked her Yeah, and I ask her, too. You asked

00:52:50.960 --> 00:52:53.079
her, what would you need to feel loved? Yeah.

00:52:53.199 --> 00:52:54.960
And I think a lot of times we don't. We're like,

00:52:55.079 --> 00:52:56.900
well, of course I love you. Right. Like, I do

00:52:56.900 --> 00:52:58.719
everything for you. I literally, everything you

00:52:58.719 --> 00:53:00.860
have in this house, everywhere you go, I buy

00:53:00.860 --> 00:53:02.820
it for you. Right. Like, of course I love you.

00:53:02.860 --> 00:53:05.690
Yes. Instead of just saying, oh. What do you

00:53:05.690 --> 00:53:08.449
need to feel loved? Yes. Yeah. So it's so important

00:53:08.449 --> 00:53:10.789
to like even just having that respect for your

00:53:10.789 --> 00:53:12.309
child that they have feelings, too, and they

00:53:12.309 --> 00:53:14.670
have needs, too. And we show up in ways that

00:53:14.670 --> 00:53:17.849
make sense for us in how we show love. But maybe

00:53:17.849 --> 00:53:19.889
it doesn't make sense for them. For sure. Yeah.

00:53:20.170 --> 00:53:23.250
Interesting. OK, I love it. OK, so I'm going

00:53:23.250 --> 00:53:25.889
to take us to a couple of quick segments and

00:53:25.889 --> 00:53:27.650
then we'll kind of do our final thoughts and

00:53:27.650 --> 00:53:30.010
then our three actionable takeaways. So before

00:53:30.010 --> 00:53:31.500
we do, we're going to do a this or that. Okay.

00:53:31.579 --> 00:53:33.059
I'll just give you a this or that and you say

00:53:33.059 --> 00:53:34.739
which one you think. Awesome. And you might have

00:53:34.739 --> 00:53:37.039
to defend your controversial opinion. All right.

00:53:37.039 --> 00:53:38.780
Let's do it. And then after that, it'll be a

00:53:38.780 --> 00:53:40.780
rapid fire. So the rapid fire is I'll just ask

00:53:40.780 --> 00:53:42.400
you a question and whatever first thing comes

00:53:42.400 --> 00:53:44.320
to your mind. Okay. Okay. So here's the this

00:53:44.320 --> 00:53:47.300
or that. This is the first one. Mirabelle or

00:53:47.300 --> 00:53:53.139
Isabella? Mirabelle. Bruno or Luisa? Ooh. This

00:53:53.139 --> 00:53:59.440
one was a little harder. Ooh. Um. Ooh, then I

00:53:59.440 --> 00:54:09.940
have to defend it, right? Luisa. I really love

00:54:09.940 --> 00:54:13.199
Luisa. Yeah. She might be my favorite. She's

00:54:13.199 --> 00:54:15.719
so great. I just think it's so relatable. So

00:54:15.719 --> 00:54:17.300
relatable. What she goes through. Yeah, in a

00:54:17.300 --> 00:54:20.480
lot of ways. And she didn't run away. I think

00:54:20.480 --> 00:54:22.440
that was why I would defend her is because she

00:54:22.440 --> 00:54:25.579
didn't run away from the cracks. Yeah, from her

00:54:25.579 --> 00:54:31.340
side. The Magic Candle or The Casita? Oh, The

00:54:31.340 --> 00:54:33.619
Casita. Yeah, I think it's got way more character.

00:54:33.699 --> 00:54:39.500
Yes, super fun. Let's see. Let's go with Family

00:54:39.500 --> 00:54:42.840
Dinner or Solo Night Out? Oh, Family Dinner,

00:54:43.079 --> 00:54:45.440
100%. I love my Family Dinner. That's why we

00:54:45.440 --> 00:54:51.210
talk. So good. Talk It Out or Ride It Out? Oh,

00:54:51.210 --> 00:54:54.989
I'm a talking it out person. Same. Yeah. Some

00:54:54.989 --> 00:54:57.170
people love to write and that's their way to

00:54:57.170 --> 00:54:58.730
kind of get it out. Oh, I just want to talk.

00:54:58.829 --> 00:55:00.809
I just want to talk. Yeah. Totally. Until your

00:55:00.809 --> 00:55:06.530
ear's out. Okay. Call your therapist or call

00:55:06.530 --> 00:55:09.610
your best friend? Therapist. I feel like my best

00:55:09.610 --> 00:55:12.530
friend will tell me what I want to hear. See,

00:55:12.530 --> 00:55:14.610
my best friend's different. He will tell me.

00:55:14.630 --> 00:55:17.000
He'll be way too hard on me. He'd be like, you're

00:55:17.000 --> 00:55:19.760
an idiot. Stop doing that, you moron. Right,

00:55:19.800 --> 00:55:21.960
right, right. He'd just give it to me straight.

00:55:22.139 --> 00:55:24.719
I think that's a good best friend to keep. He

00:55:24.719 --> 00:55:26.360
works for the sheriff's office, so he's used

00:55:26.360 --> 00:55:28.420
to not messing around. He's just going to give

00:55:28.420 --> 00:55:30.239
it to you like it is, which is actually really

00:55:30.239 --> 00:55:32.440
good for me to hear sometimes. But sometimes

00:55:32.440 --> 00:55:34.400
it is nice to have someone who's going to talk

00:55:34.400 --> 00:55:35.500
through it and think through it a little bit

00:55:35.500 --> 00:55:37.440
more thoroughly with you. Yes, I just feel like

00:55:37.440 --> 00:55:39.519
with therapists, they have a different perspective

00:55:39.519 --> 00:55:41.980
to where they're not biased, to where they can

00:55:41.980 --> 00:55:43.599
help me through it. I just feel like best friends

00:55:43.599 --> 00:55:45.679
know me through and through, and know my BS too.

00:55:45.710 --> 00:55:49.090
And they will tell me my BS. For sure. Okay,

00:55:49.150 --> 00:55:51.889
here's our rapid fire. Favorite Disney movie?

00:55:52.210 --> 00:55:55.730
Encanto. So good. Same. Favorite Disney song?

00:55:57.230 --> 00:56:03.710
Oh, Reflection. From Mulan. Oh, such a powerful

00:56:03.710 --> 00:56:07.670
song. Such a powerful song. We just did Mulan

00:56:07.670 --> 00:56:11.309
on an episode a couple of weeks ago. And that

00:56:11.309 --> 00:56:13.690
song came up. And it's really... It's really

00:56:13.690 --> 00:56:15.590
moving, you know, when she's just talking about

00:56:15.590 --> 00:56:17.250
the, like, when she's looking at that reflection,

00:56:17.409 --> 00:56:20.269
you know, is it who she wants to be? What does

00:56:20.269 --> 00:56:22.070
she need to become? Going back to that people

00:56:22.070 --> 00:56:24.510
pleasing, right? Yeah. Who are you? Yeah, because

00:56:24.510 --> 00:56:26.949
initially, like, all she's wanting to do is please

00:56:26.949 --> 00:56:28.409
everybody else around her. I've got to go be

00:56:28.409 --> 00:56:31.289
this perfect little wife and go be this bride

00:56:31.289 --> 00:56:32.829
and, like, do these things that they asked. And

00:56:32.829 --> 00:56:35.070
she has to learn to break free from that. It's

00:56:35.070 --> 00:56:37.010
so good. I love that. So relatable. Favorite

00:56:37.010 --> 00:56:46.980
Disney princess? Wow. Oh, my gosh. Elsa's sister.

00:56:47.219 --> 00:56:50.099
Oh, Anna. Anna. She's so great. It's not Elsa.

00:56:50.320 --> 00:56:52.719
Anna's so great. Anna's so great. I feel like

00:56:52.719 --> 00:56:56.139
Anna is such a connector, and she's so funny.

00:56:56.280 --> 00:56:57.920
She is. Yeah, she's so funny. She's got some

00:56:57.920 --> 00:56:59.840
similarities to Mirabel. Yeah, she does. Because

00:56:59.840 --> 00:57:01.840
neither of them has powers. Yeah, right. And

00:57:01.840 --> 00:57:04.139
yet they're still able to do great things even

00:57:04.139 --> 00:57:06.570
without powers. Right. And a lot of it's based

00:57:06.570 --> 00:57:09.329
in love, right? And empathy. Empathy, yes. Right?

00:57:09.329 --> 00:57:12.369
With Elsa. Like, she just wanted to, like, understand

00:57:12.369 --> 00:57:14.329
her. Like, why do we not want to build a snowman?

00:57:14.349 --> 00:57:16.849
So good. So good. Okay, favorite Disney hero

00:57:16.849 --> 00:57:22.630
or heroine? Oh, I'm not really a hero person.

00:57:24.139 --> 00:57:27.079
I would still say Anna. I think she saved Arendelle.

00:57:27.300 --> 00:57:28.940
She's a heroine. 100 % she is. Yeah, absolutely.

00:57:29.239 --> 00:57:32.179
Especially in Frozen 2. Yes. Yeah, what she was

00:57:32.179 --> 00:57:35.340
able to do to take the information that she had

00:57:35.340 --> 00:57:37.960
and make the super, super hard choice. Like,

00:57:37.960 --> 00:57:40.679
we're going to destroy this dam. It's going to

00:57:40.679 --> 00:57:42.460
flood all of Arendelle. Right. But it has to

00:57:42.460 --> 00:57:44.780
right the wrong. I've got to do it. Right. And

00:57:44.780 --> 00:57:46.420
she did it. She does it. She has the power to

00:57:46.420 --> 00:57:48.900
do it. Right. So good. I love her. So good. Favorite

00:57:48.900 --> 00:57:54.989
Disney villain? I would say Bruno. At first it

00:57:54.989 --> 00:57:56.210
was like a villain, right? Because you think

00:57:56.210 --> 00:57:57.909
he's the villain. Right. You think he is, and

00:57:57.909 --> 00:57:59.469
then it turns out that he's not at all. It's

00:57:59.469 --> 00:58:01.070
not, yeah. Which is, that's a good one, because

00:58:01.070 --> 00:58:03.369
then he's actually this great character, this

00:58:03.369 --> 00:58:05.349
lovable character who's only out there trying

00:58:05.349 --> 00:58:06.730
to love his family and help his family. Right.

00:58:06.889 --> 00:58:08.909
So totally redeemable. I love Bruno. Love it.

00:58:10.570 --> 00:58:15.050
Okay, here's a couple others. Which family member

00:58:15.050 --> 00:58:17.949
of the family Madrigal would you most want to

00:58:17.949 --> 00:58:23.869
have dinner with? I would say Abuela. Okay. Yeah.

00:58:24.010 --> 00:58:27.389
Tell me more. I want to know her story. I want

00:58:27.389 --> 00:58:31.110
to know how she survived single parenting with

00:58:31.110 --> 00:58:34.130
three triplets. I'm like drowning, but she had

00:58:34.130 --> 00:58:38.090
three. And what kind of pain did she need to

00:58:38.090 --> 00:58:41.889
survive to get to that point of the magical kingdom,

00:58:42.030 --> 00:58:45.210
right? And sustain that and what kind of stress

00:58:45.210 --> 00:58:47.730
she had. I just really want to talk to her. That's

00:58:47.730 --> 00:58:49.489
actually a really great one. I wasn't even thinking

00:58:49.489 --> 00:58:52.690
that one. That's awesome. If you could have any

00:58:52.690 --> 00:58:55.469
gift that any of the family members of the family

00:58:55.469 --> 00:58:59.989
Madrigal have, which would you choose? That's

00:58:59.989 --> 00:59:04.730
a hard question. The same Mirabelle health? Would

00:59:04.730 --> 00:59:07.369
that count? Sure, because we just talked about

00:59:07.369 --> 00:59:09.590
the fact that she's got the gift of empathy and

00:59:09.590 --> 00:59:12.670
love. I say that because I feel like I could

00:59:12.670 --> 00:59:16.550
relate. I am the first one and the only one in

00:59:16.550 --> 00:59:19.809
my family. that wants to break the trauma the

00:59:19.809 --> 00:59:21.750
generation of trauma and i could relate it so

00:59:21.750 --> 00:59:24.550
much because she was going through to so many

00:59:24.550 --> 00:59:26.849
people like help me understand like help me help

00:59:26.849 --> 00:59:30.070
me and nobody really wanted to right so it felt

00:59:30.070 --> 00:59:32.449
like i could yeah i could relate to her a lot

00:59:32.449 --> 00:59:34.730
okay so it was very personal to me i love that

00:59:34.730 --> 00:59:37.030
that's a great answer that's a great answer all

00:59:37.030 --> 00:59:39.349
right so let's kind of come to our kind of final

00:59:39.349 --> 00:59:43.989
um kind of conclusion thoughts or kind of takeaways

00:59:43.989 --> 00:59:46.159
that we have from here so What's kind of the

00:59:46.159 --> 00:59:49.579
overall closing reflection that somebody could

00:59:49.579 --> 00:59:51.739
have on this idea of intergenerational trauma

00:59:51.739 --> 00:59:55.400
within Kanto? And then let's get our three actionable

00:59:55.400 --> 01:00:00.519
takeaways. Yeah. So I wrote this down because

01:00:00.519 --> 01:00:03.059
I really want to distill this one thing. Yes.

01:00:03.179 --> 01:00:05.860
Breaking generational trauma isn't about rejecting

01:00:05.860 --> 01:00:09.360
your family. It's about loving them enough to

01:00:09.360 --> 01:00:13.849
change the story. Say it again. Yeah. Breaking

01:00:13.849 --> 01:00:17.010
generational trauma isn't about rejecting your

01:00:17.010 --> 01:00:20.510
family. It's about loving them enough to change

01:00:20.510 --> 01:00:24.170
the story. Kind of like boundaries. I want to

01:00:24.170 --> 01:00:26.250
have boundaries so I can connect with you. I

01:00:26.250 --> 01:00:28.449
want to love you enough so it's meaningful for

01:00:28.449 --> 01:00:30.929
you. So that we can actually have a family. Kind

01:00:30.929 --> 01:00:32.969
of like my family now, right? We're so close.

01:00:33.070 --> 01:00:35.510
I go home once every year, at least once every

01:00:35.510 --> 01:00:37.289
year, and I'll fly my parents here once every

01:00:37.289 --> 01:00:39.670
year too for my daughter's birthday. And why

01:00:39.670 --> 01:00:42.179
is that so important to break that? Trauma is

01:00:42.179 --> 01:00:45.199
that without that, without those work, we won't

01:00:45.199 --> 01:00:48.239
have this relationship. So I wanted to go through

01:00:48.239 --> 01:00:50.780
that rough patch, that really, really hard time,

01:00:50.860 --> 01:00:54.199
hard two years of just really processing with

01:00:54.199 --> 01:00:56.079
them and really talking with them and really

01:00:56.079 --> 01:00:59.579
like taking accountability for my own life so

01:00:59.579 --> 01:01:01.880
that I can have a relationship with my family.

01:01:02.159 --> 01:01:05.480
Yeah, I think it's so good. And especially in

01:01:05.480 --> 01:01:07.480
light of your explanation about what a boundary

01:01:07.480 --> 01:01:09.880
really means. It's not to keep somebody out.

01:01:09.940 --> 01:01:12.320
It's actually to. create the connection, which

01:01:12.320 --> 01:01:16.639
is so good. Okay. So what are three actionable

01:01:16.639 --> 01:01:20.000
takeaways that somebody could put into effect

01:01:20.000 --> 01:01:25.000
in their lives today or this week to start breaking

01:01:25.000 --> 01:01:28.380
this intergenerational trauma and really moving

01:01:28.380 --> 01:01:30.980
forward to a happier life? Yeah. First thing,

01:01:31.059 --> 01:01:34.679
name it. You have to name it. If you don't name

01:01:34.679 --> 01:01:36.980
it, you don't know. And I think a lot of people

01:01:36.980 --> 01:01:41.280
live a life where we don't really want to know

01:01:41.280 --> 01:01:45.099
or we don't want to address it. So naming it

01:01:45.099 --> 01:01:46.980
is so important. So what is it? What are you

01:01:46.980 --> 01:01:49.099
struggling with on a day -to -day? Why are you

01:01:49.099 --> 01:01:51.199
struggling? Why are you struggling with anxiety?

01:01:51.559 --> 01:01:54.500
What is the root of it? So naming the root of

01:01:54.500 --> 01:01:57.460
it is important. So that's step one. Step two

01:01:57.460 --> 01:02:00.050
would be... getting like what do you want out

01:02:00.050 --> 01:02:02.449
of this right so for myself like the childhood

01:02:02.449 --> 01:02:04.690
abuse i don't want to pass this on so in order

01:02:04.690 --> 01:02:07.429
not to pass this on i need to do something so

01:02:07.429 --> 01:02:09.989
i took parenting classes i took parenting courses

01:02:09.989 --> 01:02:13.070
i even went to one of my friend's house so she

01:02:13.070 --> 01:02:16.710
she's the same age as me but she has um she had

01:02:16.710 --> 01:02:19.550
kids earlier than me so she was the mom first

01:02:19.550 --> 01:02:21.889
and whatever so i had to go to her house and

01:02:21.889 --> 01:02:26.030
watch her play with her kids. Like I never had

01:02:26.030 --> 01:02:28.489
my parents play with me. So I don't know what

01:02:28.489 --> 01:02:30.809
playing with kids mean. I hated kids before I

01:02:30.809 --> 01:02:33.969
had kids. So it's like you need to learn from

01:02:33.969 --> 01:02:36.250
the ground up. You need to, you know, the nitty

01:02:36.250 --> 01:02:38.670
gritty. You cannot lie to yourself anymore. You

01:02:38.670 --> 01:02:41.230
need to be really honest with yourself. So whatever

01:02:41.230 --> 01:02:44.889
that is, take accountability and do that. What

01:02:44.889 --> 01:02:49.590
direction you want to do with the trauma, right?

01:02:49.690 --> 01:02:51.369
And then the third one is taking accountability.

01:02:51.929 --> 01:02:54.889
What can we do to take accountability for this

01:02:54.889 --> 01:02:57.570
trauma? What can we do to break this so that

01:02:57.570 --> 01:02:59.530
we don't pass it on? This is something that we

01:02:59.530 --> 01:03:02.130
can control, so we want to control that. That's

01:03:02.130 --> 01:03:06.550
fantastic. I think if somebody can put those

01:03:06.550 --> 01:03:09.489
into effect, they're going to see a major shift.

01:03:10.039 --> 01:03:12.980
Yes. And I think their overall happiness, frankly,

01:03:13.039 --> 01:03:15.099
I think it's actually that important. Right.

01:03:15.260 --> 01:03:20.780
I think I always say life is too short to live

01:03:20.780 --> 01:03:24.179
in your own BS. Yeah. We have a lot of excuses.

01:03:24.440 --> 01:03:26.900
We have so many of our own BS that we tell ourselves,

01:03:27.179 --> 01:03:30.199
you know. Of course. But the BS is what's keeping

01:03:30.199 --> 01:03:33.539
us from feeling true to ourselves, being honest

01:03:33.539 --> 01:03:36.139
with ourselves, you know, living a true life,

01:03:36.219 --> 01:03:39.349
like a very authentic life. I wear fur coat to

01:03:39.349 --> 01:03:42.630
the gym. Do I care? No. Because you like it.

01:03:42.650 --> 01:03:44.809
Because I love it. And if you do, that's what

01:03:44.809 --> 01:03:47.530
you should do. Right. Absolutely. Who cares about

01:03:47.530 --> 01:03:50.489
what other people think, right? Because I love

01:03:50.489 --> 01:03:53.489
it. I think I look good in it and I feel good

01:03:53.489 --> 01:03:55.710
in it. So that's all that matters is that what

01:03:55.710 --> 01:03:58.010
you feel about it and take accountability for

01:03:58.010 --> 01:03:59.809
that as long as you're not hurting other people.

01:03:59.949 --> 01:04:03.369
Sure. I think it's funny you mention that. A

01:04:03.369 --> 01:04:05.369
lot of times I'll get from people because I wear

01:04:05.369 --> 01:04:07.570
suits a lot. Yeah. Like, oh, don't you just hate

01:04:07.570 --> 01:04:08.630
having to wear a suit every day because you're

01:04:08.630 --> 01:04:11.469
an attorney? And I was like, actually, no. I

01:04:11.469 --> 01:04:13.309
actually really like wearing suits, truth be

01:04:13.309 --> 01:04:15.349
told. Right, right. I wear suits when I don't

01:04:15.349 --> 01:04:17.349
have cord. I wear suits because I like wearing

01:04:17.349 --> 01:04:19.849
suits. Yeah. It makes me feel fancy. It makes

01:04:19.849 --> 01:04:22.090
me feel professional. And I like the way it makes

01:04:22.090 --> 01:04:24.650
me feel. Yes. And so I like wearing suits because

01:04:24.650 --> 01:04:27.550
of that. And that's authentic to you. That's

01:04:27.550 --> 01:04:29.269
why it makes you feel good because it aligns

01:04:29.269 --> 01:04:31.090
with your value. Right. So I think that's so

01:04:31.090 --> 01:04:33.710
important. Aligning your life with your values.

01:04:34.610 --> 01:04:37.230
Yeah, no question. Well, I appreciate the conversation

01:04:37.230 --> 01:04:39.130
with you so much today. Thank you. Learned a

01:04:39.130 --> 01:04:43.079
ton about. intergenerational drama, trauma about

01:04:43.079 --> 01:04:46.300
boundaries, about creating connection from the

01:04:46.300 --> 01:04:49.579
boundaries as opposed to barriers. Really, really

01:04:49.579 --> 01:04:51.940
lovely conversation. I appreciate it. Thank you,

01:04:51.940 --> 01:04:53.820
Ryan. Thank you for having me. It was such a

01:04:53.820 --> 01:04:56.480
great movie to unpack. Yeah, for sure. My pleasure.

01:04:56.639 --> 01:05:00.199
Thanks. Thank you. As you lead this conversation,

01:05:00.480 --> 01:05:03.860
remember that yes, the past can hurt and you

01:05:03.860 --> 01:05:06.119
can either run from it or you can learn from

01:05:06.119 --> 01:05:09.710
it. So here's to learning. and finding joy in

01:05:09.710 --> 01:05:11.630
the journey. See you real soon.