Aladdin and Addiction: Why Your Beliefs Shape Your Life

0:00 I took my first sip of alcohol when I was 11 years old. We went behind there and we opened up a bottle and took a few sips of it. And I didn't get drunk at age 11, but I fell in love with the rush of it. Part of the story that we're not sharing right now is through all of this success in basketball, I am partying like no other. I'm drinking. I'm doing drugs. I'm smoking pot. I'm snorting cocaine. I mean, I am all into the party scene. By the time my senior year came around, I was a complete mess. And Aladdin says, I'm not worthless and I don't. have fleas. And I think that's an interesting thing to look at because I think sometimes that's the way we see ourselves. Like we're just a worthless street rat. We got fleas. And then sometimes you have people telling you that's who you are. Yeah.

0:40 And typically, you know, when you're young, you don't know how to process information. When someone older or someone even your own age says something mean about you, a lot of times you just accept that as, oh, that's how people see me. So that must be true. The best definition I've ever heard of depression is pretending to be someone you're not. I'm going to say that again. Pretending to be someone you're not. I easily should be dead right now. I should not be here because of what I went through. And I know I'm one of the lucky ones, honestly. But I'm grateful for all of it. Welcome to Yes And Land, where we say yes to the reality of yesterday and today.

1:21 And we say and to the possibility, growth, and imagination of tomorrow. So welcome to another episode of Yes and Land. We are very excited today for an amazing guest who is inspiring people worldwide, really, because he has a podcast, the BelizeCast podcast, which is... in the top 100, right, for mental health podcasts worldwide, which is just phenomenal. And Todd's story is in itself inspiring and really excited for what our listeners are going to be able to gain and learn from hearing his story, learning about the things that he shares with the thousands and thousands of people that he coaches, that you've spoken to at conferences, at meetings.

2:12 all all over the country and so i'm excited to dive in today about our beliefs right our beliefs of of who we are and what that means and we're gonna take a look at uh one of my favorite disney movies which is aladdin Such a good one. We might even dip into Spider -Man a little bit. We're going to see where that takes us, right, Todd? Absolutely. But Aladdin is a classic. Me as a child born in the 80s, grew up in the 90s. Like Aladdin was one of those like core peak movies, right? Yeah. And so really excited to have you on today, Todd. Yeah, thanks for having me, Ryan. It's an honor and love what you do. And, you know, this is an amazing show and just kind of like the platform you've laid out. It's amazing. I appreciate it, Todd. So we're, yeah, we're excited to kind of talk about. And then we're gonna dive into some like hard stuff that you went through sure which I think is really I think it's really beneficial because We all live in stories, right? The stories of what our lives are, the stories that we tell ourselves, stories that inspire us. I mean, it's part of why I love Disney movies, right? Disney is one of the best at telling a story and stories are compelling.

3:19 It's what helps us learn and grow. So let's take us all the way back. Usually I do take people back to like, I want to know about them growing up. This is a particular importance in your story, right? Because of some of the things that shaped you from such a young age. Yeah. So, Todd, take us all the way back to young Todd. Well, young Todd was a very insecure and scared little kid. I was a really skinny kid. I was self -conscious about that, my whole upbringing, to be honest. But, you know, I played sports. I played all the sports and I loved it. You know, I had dreams of playing in the NBA. Basketball was really my sport that I loved the most. But, you know, at such a young age, I took my first sip of alcohol when I was 11 years old. My dad had a wet bar in our basement and both my parents worked full time. And me and my little brother, who's even younger than 11, he was nine. We went behind there and we opened up a bottle and took a few sips of it. And, you know, I didn't get drunk at age 11, but I fell in love with the rush of it. My dad was a drinker. They would throw parties at our house. So I kind of grew up around this.

4:29 It was normal. I didn't think I was really doing anything wrong. But when I was taking those drinks at age 11, I knew that at age 11, I probably shouldn't be doing this. There was a part of me going, okay, this is wrong. But again, I learned at an early age, I had this all or nothing mentality, which could be a really good thing if it's directed in the right direction. you know direction right sure but if it's with the wrong thing it can be destructive and that's really what started to happen is i fell in love with that kind of lifestyle and that opened up the door to just all kinds of havoc and um heartache and pain in my life so you're And your brother, too, at that time, did he did he end up having the same kinds of issues or problems or kind of steer clear from that? No, he I mean, he he would he would socially drink and stuff during, you know, high school and stuff. But, you know, he didn't get into addiction. He didn't become an alcoholic like I did. And so he had a little different mentality around it. So it's interesting how, you know, it played a different role in both of our lives. I'm assuming you guys have gone back and talked about that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

5:40 Yeah, we talk about it all the time. Yeah. What was the difference for him? Why did you guys think that he didn't go down that path that you went down? You know, honestly, we're not sure. I think it's just more personality. Like even my dad, my dad couldn't understand later on when he saw I was drinking heavily. Like, why can't you just have one? You know, my dad could have one drink and he's fine. Yeah. You know, my mentality was. well why have one i'm gonna have ten because i'm doing it for the effect sure you know wasn't necessarily the taste per se it was more like i want the buzz i want to feel i want to feel it And my dad was just like, you know, just have one. He couldn't understand it. And my brother was more like the personality of my dad. My mom, she went through addiction. She was an opiate addict and a chain smoker. And I was a lot like my mom. We were very, we kind of had an anxious personality. And I, again, all or nothing was my mentality. It's like, if I'm going to do it, I'm doing it. I'm all in. And it's been a really good. gift, I guess, if you will, to have that mentality. Cause I now have it pointed in the right direction. That's what I was going to ask you. Yeah. Cause it's cause things like that can be for good and for bad. Sure. Yeah, absolutely.

6:55 And I just, you know, started pointing in the wrong direction as a young kid, cause I didn't know any better. And that just opened up the door to, you know, a life at the time, you know, kind of drugs and alcohol and partying. and again a lot of like i said a lot of heartache and pain when i think what's interesting about your story too is is you start down that path and and yet for a while it was like you were still finding success in things because you were a basketball player right yes and and not just a basketball you're a good one Yeah, I mean, not early on, but yeah, I was pretty athletic as a kid. I played soccer, baseball, football, and basketball. And early on, I decided, you know, I don't want to focus just on basketball. And about sixth, seventh grade is when I decided I'm going to just quit all the other sports and focus on that. And I still played some of the other sports, but my heart wasn't in it, man. I just, when it came to practice time, and this is that all or nothing, I would practice two or three hours every day.

7:55 by myself as a young kid. I mean, who does that? Very few. Magic Johnson. Yeah, Magic Johnson. I just wasn't as big or as talented as Magic. Anyway, so that really played a big role in my success in sports because, all right, if I'm going to play sports, I'm all in. And man, I would practice two or three hours. My dad had poured a basketball court on the side of our house and I lived out there. If it snowed, I was the kid. I'm out there shoveling. off the snow and i would practice my hands would be freezing and but i just loved it and i just that i wanted to make that my life and you so you played in high school played in high school and you guys had a bit of success with that we did yeah i i played with some amazing players we had amazing coaches um you know By between my freshman and sophomore year, I grew eight inches, which was amazing for basketball. Right. Yeah. And you learned you learned to handle the ball before then. So you had good handles and then you get the height to add to it. Yeah. Well, really, I'll have to tell you a story about the good handles and there's some thunder. Wow. That is that's some good thunder. Like this make this story. Here we are. Like we're in it now. Yeah.

9:05 Anyway, I I, you know. Practiced, like I said, so much. And between freshman and sophomore year, grew eight inches. But I had also improved a ton in basketball. So by the time I'm playing a sophomore, I'm the starting point guard for the sophomore team. I lead the team in every category. I'm playing a little bit of varsity. We take first in state. I played a little role in that. But junior year, we took second in state. I led the team in every category. I was playing varsity. starting point guard a team captain and we took first and stayed again but the end of my sophomore year the last practice of the year i had my hand broke i broke grabbed a rebound was going back up with it and a guy that was guarding me grabbed the ball in my hand as i went up he pulled down and snapped my finger in half right in the middle of my hand and so when i'd close my hand this finger was twisted it would touch over here i'm like okay something's wrong so i had to get four pins put in my hand i've got the scars um still and didn't stop me i thought well i had to have my hand in a sling with pins in it for eight weeks i practiced eight weeks of basketball left -handed And I'm telling you, I practiced. If there was pickup games, I would still go play the pickup game, and I would just play left -handed. I would shoot left, dribble left. And so between sophomore and junior year, I was almost, if probably not better with

10:37 my left than I was with my right hand. Wow. Isn't it interesting how things like that play into, like, you want to develop the skills, especially if you're a point guard, to be able to use both hands. right in basketball it's such a skill but it's really hard to get kids to do it because it's uncomfortable right you're like okay you want to use your non -dominant hand you want to become really capable with that but like who's going to sit there and do it yeah well with pins in your hand you're gonna Absolutely. And, you know, there's an amazing book called Live Your Life from Crescendo by Stephen and Cynthia Covey that they wrote. And there's a quote in there where they said, you don't know how strong you are until that hidden strength is forced to come forward. And I was forced to practice left handed.

11:17 Now, yes, I could have chose not to. But it really taught me something that, man, I can do anything I put my mind to. Who cares if my hand's broken? I'm playing left handed. And I did really well. Like I would just. People had a hard time guarding me where I could just dribble left -handed. So by the time junior year came around, man, I was unstoppable as a point guard. At least I felt that way. Sure. And that sprung into some college offers, right? Yeah, not until after my senior year I got offered a full -ride scholarship and accepted it. And I was so excited. I've got my college paid for. Part of this story that we're not sharing right now is through all of this success in basketball, I am partying like no other. I'm drinking. I'm doing drugs. I'm smoking pot. I'm snorting cocaine. I'm doing mushrooms.

12:08 I'm drinking cough syrup. I mean, I am all into the party scene. My parents would go out of town. I'd throw a kegger at my house. My house was the party house. And I wore it with a badge, you know, like a badge of pride, you know. By the time my senior year came around, I was a complete mess. And I would just mask it. On the court, I was still doing pretty good, but not to the level I should have been doing. So coaches, friends, even my family were like, what's wrong with you? They'd see me out there on the basketball court, and I looked lost because I was. And I was really sad, really depressed. But again, just put on a face like everything was okay.

12:50 What do you think that was at that time? Why were you feeling so lost? Well, one, I thought I looked funny. I had this belief system that I looked funny. I was no good, that I was stupid. And I was, I mean, this, I can laugh about it now, but at the time, and people can laugh when I say this, I got a five on the ACT my senior year, a five. I think you get three points for signing your name. But it just confirmed, oh, I'm stupid. But I didn't tell people this. And so I just walked around depressed and miserable. And especially when I would drink and party and get high, that would just magnify that depressed feeling to the point where I had thoughts of ending my life. So this went on my senior year, and I noticed this voice in my head. You're pathetic.

13:40 You're no good. You'll never make it. That kind of thing. fortunate still got a college scholarship when i thought man i i did it even though i had a rough year and but that didn't turn things around and i ended up losing that scholarship because i was getting high and drunk you know and so when that happened that's when the wheels fell off yeah so even even though you're outwardly you know with basketball with you you being the captain of the team you guys taking state getting this full ride looking outwardly very successful inside that's not what you believed about yourself at all not even close yeah the outside appearance someone might go oh he's got it all yeah you know because like for me it's interesting hearing a story like that if i hadn't heard the other part like i loved basketball yeah i did a bit the same thing which is when i was a little bit younger i decided like basketball was my i wasn't gonna play other sports i loved it so much yeah i just wasn't good enough yeah like and it was like devastating right i made the ninth grade team didn't make the 10th grade team it was just like oh, this is what I love so much. And when I hear somebody else like, oh, I captained the basketball team. Like, oh man, he had it all.

14:49 He's so lucky. Wait, we all have things we struggle with. Wait, there's more that's there that like, we have to learn things about ourselves. We have to come to believe things about ourselves. And so I think this is a good time for us to pull in Aladdin, right? Because with the story with Aladdin. um obviously he's an orphan he's a street rat right they call him and there's there's a scene where um he's in in the streets of agrabah and there's somebody of of some importance um down the street on a horse and he's kind of aladdin's kind of getting in trouble and the the whoever this individual is says something about him being worthless yeah And Aladdin says, I'm not worthless and I don't have fleas. And I think that's an interesting thing to look at because I think sometimes that's the way we see ourselves. Like we're just a worthless street rat. We got fleas and that's what we believe about ourselves. Yeah.

15:49 And then sometimes you have people telling you that's who you are. Yeah. And typically, you know, when you're young, you don't know how to process information. When someone older or someone even your own age says something mean about you. Lot of times you just accept that as well. That's how people see me. So that must be true Yeah, we may not say that out loud to anyone but internally we we accept it, you know And you know the Aladdin scene, you know Aladdin, you know believed he was or didn't believe that But yet, you know the society viewed him as this street rat, right? And, but, but man, he was, you know, he was high on life. If you look at the show, man, he's, he's just, you know, going through life, energetic, loving life and not afraid to go do whatever he was doing, you know? For sure. Yeah. What it's, you know, with, with something like that, it's interesting. I think these days when we talk a lot about beliefs and, and believing in ourselves, I think sometimes it's easy for us to think like, oh yeah. everybody's gonna support you and say that you're you can do great things and we're we're we're changed in that way and we support each other and i think we don't a lot of times i think you're i think to your point is people will sometimes tell us that we're not yeah and sometimes it comes in in ways that maybe it's not intentional and sometimes it really is yeah and sometimes people are trying to tell us that we're just street rats and that we're not worthy of something better or something greater yeah um and and we get that from a lot of places i've heard a term recently called Thumb thugs, right? Where like people online will make comments, right? To bring us down and say that we're not

17:21 worthy and say horrible things because they can hide behind a screen. But then we start maybe believing those things about ourselves, unfortunately. So as you are experiencing this stuff, you're kind of going through these addictions. And to a large extent, it sounds like hiding a lot of what this depression and beliefs about yourself were. When does it come to a head? It was, you know, after I had lost the scholarship, I became just this angry, depressed drunk. Every time I would drink, I would punch holes in the wall, throw chairs through windows. I'd pick fights with people. I'm not a fighter. But I was just, I was hurting so bad that, you know, I often say alcohol is like a truth serum. It brings out what you're really feeling. And when you're hurting, it comes out because you don't care.

18:11 You don't care what you look like. You look like an idiot. You're like this sloppy, crying individual. But it was really all this pain that I was experiencing. And, you know, my identity back then, if you would ask me, who are you, Todd? I would have said, I'm a basketball player. I know that that's wrong now. But at the time, that's what it was. And so when that went away, that's why I thought, I'd just rather be dead. And so it came to a head when I decided I was going to end my life. Basketball was no longer going to be a part of my life. So I thought, I don't want to be here if that's the case. So I decided I was going to end my life. And I planned it all out. And thankfully, I had this miracle happen that changed the course of my life. But up until that point, I was just... My friends at this point were graduating from college, married, looked like they had their lives all together. And the story I was telling myself about me is like, I'm behind and I'm never catching up. And I'm just this loser. And that was the belief. And that belief was just like, it was crushing. Because I truly believed it.

19:19 But I would never say it out loud to anyone. But internally, that's what I thought of me. And so you're going through this. And having these beliefs about yourself, you're seeing the people around you, you know, being successful, having successful lives, getting married, graduating, probably getting good jobs. At some point in time, your beliefs started to change. Yeah. How did that come about? Well, geez, it was a long process. Yeah. You know, like I said, I had a miracle that took place. to a God that I didn't believe in. That was desperation. And I reached out in the darkest moment of my life. And I got a response. I got an answer. And I really believe God usually typically works through other people.

20:12 And this guy took me under his wing. He's my mentor to this very day for over 40 years. And this guy was the answer to my prayer. desperation and he took me under his wing and he has mentored me ever since and I'll never forget what he said he says I'm here for you because this is gonna be the hardest thing you'll ever do and he wasn't kidding it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through at the time and If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you today. So he took me under his wing. He believed in me and even told me that when I didn't believe in myself. And just hearing him say that to me, it was like this sliver of hope. And I thought, okay, if this guy believes in me, this is worth following him. So I just followed him. I did what he did, basically. How did that connection come about in the first place? know when we think about influence that we can have on others and things we try to do to help others that it doesn't always resonate with somebody if we tell them something like that yeah right what was it about this situation where you could hear what he was saying and that he was able to connect with you well a couple reasons one i played basketball with him at brighton okay um so and i always he was the for a state MVP he was an amazing basketball I looked up to him in so many ways

21:43 and again you want to think about someone who had it all from my view this guy had it all he had the you know he was dating the head cheerleader you know seriously the the typical story I mean just a total stud athlete college scholarships offers all over the place and this was the guy I looked up to I never told him that back in high school, but internally, that's what I looked up to. But it fed the narrative that I wasn't good enough. It did. So he reached out to me on a prompting after I had reached out to God in prayer and said, hey, I need to talk to you, Todd. And I hadn't talked to him since high school.

22:24 So here he is calling me out of the blue, asking me to come over. And he basically told me, You know, I'm going to help a lot of good, you know, a lot of people in your life. You're going to make a difference. You're going to help a lot of kids. He kept saying this. And I'm in the height of my addiction. He has no idea. And I'm like, dude, I told him to stop. Because when someone pays you a compliment and makes you uncomfortable, it's because you don't believe it. I didn't believe any of it. And I said, hey, I don't know why you're saying all these nice things. I'm a mess right now. And he just basically said, the Lord came to me last night, Todd, and says, we need you on our side today. And it was just like, I knew it in that moment, Ryan, that that was the answer to my, to my fast and prayer that I had reached out in desperation when I didn't even believe in God. I wasn't raised religious or to believe in God at all. And I was like, man, here's my answer. And that's why. And when you're desperate, you'll, I was just ready to listen to anyone. And thankfully it was him.

23:22 and he was ready for the call on his end if that makes sense he was like i'm here to guide you and help you and he did he from that day forward to this day you know he's the guy i can call when i'm struggling he's there for me yeah when we when we take a look back at aladdin you know and we take a look at the the character of the genie In what ways do you see the Genie as being a little bit of that guide to Aladdin as he's struggling to figure out who he really is? Because once he's wanting to be with Jasmine, he meets her, he's like, this is the girl for me. He thinks he's got to be somebody that he's not. He thinks he's got to be Prince Ali. Fabulous he, right?

24:08 What about the Genie as a guide? Do you learn from that movie? And also from this close friend of yours, who was a guide to you? Yeah, I love that question. Because I think I've learned now when we speak it, we create it. We're almost like that becomes the genie, if you will. And this genie was basically guiding Aladdin in so many beautiful ways. Like, hey, what do you need? What do you want? I'll give you whatever you need. And it's almost like that belief system we have. Whatever I say to myself becomes my reality. So if I say I'm a loser and I'm no good and I look funny and no girl is ever going to want to be with me, I'm stupid. It's as if the genie says, okay, your wish is my command. You get that. And so. And I don't think the genie wants that for us, per se, you know, especially in Aladdin, you know, it's like, hey, whatever you want, I'm going to give it to you. You can be whoever you want to be and get whatever you want. And I just think we got to be really careful what we tell ourselves, because that becomes our reality. You know, there's an old Latin proverb that says, believe that you have it and you have it. It's so simple, but yet so. profound and big if whatever you say, and it's as if you're telling the genie, here's what I want. And I love the genie in that because one, it's the voice of Robin Williams, who I'm a huge fan of.

25:26 And but it was almost like helping him guide him in a way just like eventually he had to find that, you know, you're good without all of this stuff. Who you are to your core is enough. Yeah. Right. And that's what. But I didn't know that about me. Yeah. One of the best scenes, I think, in the movie is where he's now Prince Ali. He's going on the balcony to meet Jasmine. The genie's trying to help him. He's trying to ask the genie what to say. And it's a gag at the time because the genie becomes a bee. And he's buzzing around. He's telling him something. And it's kind of last line that he says is like, you know, whatever. Be yourself. Be yourself. That's exactly right.

26:07 And it was a hilarious line, and I loved it as a kid. But when I go back and think about it, it's like, you don't got to be Prince Ali. That's not who you are. And you're not a street rat either. You're somebody who has a lot of love and kindness, who does the right thing. Even when you didn't know Jasmine was the princess, you're out there protecting her in the street. Yeah. These people who are trying to cut her hand off or do whatever they are, right? Like at your core, you are, as it foreshadowed at the beginning of the movie, you're the diamond in the rough, you know? And that be yourself, the genie really guiding him. Like I can grant all these wishes to you. I can give you these things that you say you want. At the end of the day, Aladdin, be yourself. Yeah. The best definition I've ever heard of depression is pretending to be someone you're not. I'm going to say that again, pretending to be someone you're not. That's why that line is so profound because I think our worth is set. The moment we were born, maybe even before our worth was set, but yet obviously we go through life and we go through challenges and things happen, right? So we start doubting our own value as a human being. So we think I got to go be this and then I'll be okay. Cause I thought if I'm a good basketball player, There it is. I'll have everything I want. When that got taken away because of my own choices, it's like, okay, who am I really? And at the time, I just thought I'm a nothing. But I didn't know

27:38 any better. See, what I realize now is who I was made me a good basketball player. Basketball is just what I did. I didn't know that then. You know, so that line in Aladdin is so profound and so beautiful. Just be yourself because yourself is enough. You're unshakably good. I have this saying over my wall in my office that I have my clients read. And it says, the most delightful surprise in life is to suddenly recognize there's nothing wrong with you. Have them read that on day one, 10 out of 10 of my clients start crying. And I'll say, has anyone ever told you that? And they're like, never. and i and i hop and that's what i go into you've been pretending to be someone you're not because when i was drinking and doing drugs i was pretending to be someone i was not it always left me empty i was always depressed because i was out of alignment of who i really was and it wasn't basketball yeah and that's it's a it's such a beautiful tie in there and you know at at the end with with aladdin i mean what we see is um jasmine didn't love him because he was Prince Ali she didn't love him because he had the outward stuff that he was trying to be somebody wasn't she loved him because of who he was exactly and he didn't need to be somebody different and people in our lives um can love us for who we truly are and sometimes we want to we want to mask it we want to hide it because we don't think that people will right now I don't I don't think it means that everybody's going to love us If they know who we truly are

29:11 and maybe know some of our mistakes and stuff, but the people who truly love us will. They'll accept us for who we are. Did you see that manifest for you of once it kind of came to a head with the addictions you had and people understanding and realizing the shortcomings that you had, did you have people who loved you more and then have other people who then judged you and left your life? Great question. And that was one of the toughest things I ever went through. Because, you know, I have a group of friends who I loved to this very day. And matter of fact, you know, I'm going to be with them tonight even. But there's like 15 to 20 of us. And I'm not kidding you.

29:52 We've been friends our entire lives. It's a very rare thing. But they were part of the party scene, part of the drug scene. And when I was turning my life around, I had to walk away from that group. Not that I didn't like them anymore or love them anymore. It was I knew that I can't be around that atmosphere because I'm going to crash and burn again. And so I had to walk away from that. At the same time, you know. turning my life over into a good direction and trying to follow this God that was saving my life. I even had family members that were shunning me for that. So I felt so alone for a long time.

30:33 And that was a tough, tough time in my life. i look back now it's best thing i ever went through right but it was one of them that that was harder than overcoming alcoholism and drug addiction was being alone and walking away from my friends and some family members at the time i think i think so there's some real depth here that i i want people to understand which is um you know you choosing to make the change it wasn't like it changed overnight You know, it wasn't like suddenly, okay, I realize I've got these addiction problems. I'm going to turn to God. And now life is amazing. Yeah. You had to go through this process. You had to go through this process of I've got to let go of this friend group for now.

31:23 I'm going to have people who are going to judge me and leave my life. right now and that's hard and and it's it's not easy and so it's not it's not just a change overnight suddenly everything is butterflies and roses it's a process yeah it's a process of of becoming or realizing who we really are yeah and you're tested to the core are you really serious about change Like, are you really going to stop drinking? Are you going to stop doing drugs? Are you really going to stop that behavior? And it's almost, I don't know what it is, but man, it's like every time I've noticed in my life, when I decide I'm going to do the right thing, I am tested on a level that is unbelievable. It's as if it's meant to be that way. And I just think, but that's where we become resilient. That's when we become resourceful.

32:14 That's when we become strong. That's when you realize you can do hard things. See, all those things I'm listening now, that's who I am. I'm resilient. I can do hard things. I'm strong. I'm brave. I'm tenacious. And I didn't learn that had I not gone through that. I heard this quote. I don't know who said it, but you can't have a strong character in an easy life. And man, this has shaped my character. And I would not have that had I not gone through that. So yes. It was horrible, but I'm grateful for the process. I'm grateful for all of it. I'm grateful for the drink at 11. I'm grateful for that whole, the whole thing. And I'm one of the lucky ones. I, I easily should be dead right now. I should not be here because of what I went through. And I know I'm one of the lucky ones, honestly, but I'm grateful for all of it. And, and, and I think, I mean, my belief is that in, in, in part, the reason you are is so that you can inspire others.

33:10 Right. We all have a greater purpose, right? And I think that's one of the things that I've seen from learning about you and about your story, which is you don't take that for granted. I don't. And that you use that to help other people. Yeah. You know, one of my favorite authors and public speakers out there is Simon Sinek, who you know well. So well, in fact, that your story's in his book. And he talks in that book, I believe it's in the book, Finding Your Why, which is for those of our listeners who don't know Simon Sinek, like I always say, like, go back and watch his TED Talk about Find Your Why. Because I quote him all the time on this podcast. I teach my team all the time about him. We're really big believers in a why. But the reason that he used your story is because of kind of. what you went through in your why discovery through that process of the really hard thing you went through. Yeah.

34:15 What was that? What was the why that you discovered through going through what you went through? Yeah, that, you know, thank you. And I, yeah, I'm a huge fan of Simon. He's an amazing human being and obviously doing amazing things out there. And he's one of the greatest motivational, inspirational leaders out there. I, you know, I learned through the process of giving some money away at a lemonade stand of all places that I was earning at the time as a bartender. But giving my money away to this little girl at a lemonade stand is what really, truly made me realize what my purpose is. Because the reaction, I gave her all my money at the time. I had like $40 worth of change in my car. Gave all this money to her. And that all or nothing mentality kicks in. And I thought, it was on a Saturday when I had done this. And I'm still struggling.

35:09 I'm still relapsing. I'm drinking, doing drugs, struggling. And this was even after when my mentor reached out to me and was the answer to the prayer. I'm still struggling. And I gave all my money to this little girl. And her reaction to when I was giving her all this money, I mean, she got emotional. She was jumping up and down. and i was like whoa i want to do this like this is amazing like i'm actually having an impact on this girl like this like i didn't realize i could make someone's day and as i pulled away from that lemonade stand. I had to pull my car over. I put my face in my hand and I just sobbed for like 20 minutes. It was like this soul cleansing cry. I mean, I literally was, it was like all this pain was leaving my soul. And in that moment, I believed that I mattered. In that moment, I wanted to be cleaned. In that moment, I wanted to make a difference. You know, there's a beautiful quote by Ferdinand Foch. He says, the most powerful weapon on earth is a human soul on fire. This lit my soul on fire. And that all or nothing mentality kicks in. So next Saturday, I drove by that same spot on purpose, just in case she might be out there. Sure enough, she was. I pull up. She recognizes me. She freaks out. I give her all my money again that I earned as a bartender that week. And I do this every Saturday for the next two and a half months. And every time I pull away, I start crying. And that's when I realized this is what I want to do. I want to

36:40 make a difference in people's lives. So how can I take what I went through and do that? And that's when I had this inspiration of creating a drug education program. uh for elementary school kids ages uh or fourth fifth and sixth graders and it was called sly dog which was my nickname in high school and the ma his motto was drug free that's me and it was this animated cartoon character it was a dog's head with a human body and it was really like an alter ego of me and i went around to all the schools with this mascot this cartoon character and i spoke to over 350 000 kids over the next five years and parents would come up to me and say, man, my son or daughter loves your program. Would you meet with them one -on -one? I'm like, yeah, sure. Didn't know.

37:28 I wasn't planning on that. And that's what turned into what I do today. That's been my career. I've been doing that now for 37 years. And if it wasn't for that experience, I mean, it really is. That's where I found my why. And it's like, you know. I couldn't tell you how excited I was. I'm sorry I'm throwing all these quotes, but there was a Mark Twain quote that says, the two most important days of a person's life are the day that they were born and the day they found out why. I found my why at that lemonade stand. You know, you give to get. I gave away all my money, but what I got in return was my life.

38:09 When you have experiences like that, for you, When do you know is the right time to do something like that? For you, what guidance have you followed or when is it? Because you could just give away all your money all the time. Sure. Right? And we'd just be poor as all get out, right? Yeah, right. We'd be not doing very well, not be able to have as much impact. Where do you find the difference of like, this is the right time to go do this thing for this person, to give my money to this girl, this lemonade stand, or to spend my time? talking at schools or meeting in these one -to -one meetings? Right. Great question. call it the spirit, call it a voice, call it a prompting. You know, the, uh, the Greeks used to call it a Kairos moment where it was the tap on the shoulder that says, Hey, turn around. This is going to make your, this is going to change your life. And that's really what happened.

39:02 I drove past the lemonade stand initially, and I noticed I was like, I know big deal. And that's when I had the tap on the shoulder, the voice, the, the, the prompting that said, turn around and give the, all the money away that you have in your car to this girl. I thought, wow. I'm going to do that. So I've learned to listen to that prompting. It's not always there. And sometimes I don't listen to it. And sometimes I make mistakes there too. But, you know, I just believe that if you want to be, give it away. If you want to be inspiring, go inspire someone, go give that away. It doesn't always have to be money. Give away inspiration, give away love, give away. compassion, give away understanding and forgiveness, and you get it tenfold in return. I think it's the most powerful principle on planet Earth.

39:44 If you want to be, give it away. And I learned that from a guy named Neil Donald Walsh. You know what I think is interesting is I think if any of us sit here and hear this and think about it, right, there's times where we have that top on the shoulder as we're driving by and we don't turn around. Yeah. And we just keep going. I mean, I can think of it with lemonade stands, right? I literally can think of it with lemonade stands. Like when I go to pick up my boys, I know there's this little path that I always follow to go pick them up. And there's sometimes this little lemonade stand there. So I can think of times where you feel that tap on the shoulder and you don't. And I think we get that tap sometimes too for, say, we think about some of your lives to send a text to and we don't send the text.

40:29 know and i would say you know for me we we always wait till the end to do actual takeaways but i'm gonna throw one out there right now which is if anybody's listening to this like and you just had that tap on the shoulder moment to text somebody in your life to text somebody that you know something you've been thinking about so much you haven't connected with a long time just send it right now just like pause pause the episode just send out that text and you don't have to say the perfect thing either no you know i your friend who uh ended up being your lifelong mentor like I don't know that he knew the perfect thing to say, but he just said what he felt. He said what he felt. And to this day, we talk about it all the time. I mean, he was nervous to even call me and to be in the state. He was scared to death. But he went with the prompting and went with it, not knowing what was going to happen.

41:16 Like, he's blown away where I'm at today. He can't believe it. Like, to this day, he's like, he goes, can you believe what has transpired? Had he not done that? I mean, maybe someone else would have reached out. I don't know, but I'll tell you, I think I would not be here. I think I would be dead. I'm not kidding you. And I don't say that to be dramatic. I just really, where I was mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, I was a mess and I did not want to be around. So had he not done that and listened to that prompting. So you never know. You're right. Pause this for a minute. Send that text to someone you haven't talked to in a minute. It might be a parent or a friend or a sibling or one of your kids. Hey, just thinking of you today. Love you.

41:59 It can be as simple as that, you know. But I'm really big on trying to listen to that prompting. Definitely not perfect at it, but I really do try to do it. And as we do it more, we get better at it. Yeah. And you notice it more too. Like you really do notice it more. I think when we have an attitude and an intent of someone needs me today, who am I going to help today? Who is it? And it can be as simple as I hold the door and pay him a compliment as I walk through the door. Doesn't that be big? A little, you know, compliment can, you know, save a life. It really can. When we talked before in preparation for this, I think you told me one of the people that you really like is James Allen. yes and i wrote down a quote from him uh which is maybe one of the core things that he says uh a man is literally what he thinks his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts yes And as you're saying that, I think to me, it's like, as you do it more, part of what it does is you think about it more. Yeah. And when you want to focus on the good and focus on those things, it becomes more a part of you and more of your character.

43:06 And then it becomes easier and easier to do those things and find those things. It's like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. Yeah. Yeah. How does that quote as well play into the idea of the beliefs that we have about ourselves? Boy, James Allen is another one of those giants in my life that saved my life. You know, my dad, when I was in the height of my addiction, didn't know what to do with me. There wasn't a rehab on every street corner like there is today. There was no talk of rehabs back then. So he handed me that little teeny book, As a Man Thinketh, and asked me to read it. And I did what every good kid would do. I threw it on the bookshelf. I forgot about it for two years. And one day I decided to open it up and read it when I was trying to get my life back together. And it was right around the lemonade time. The lemonade stand story is when I started opening up this book. And there was a paragraph in this book that changed my life. And if it's okay to share, because it goes along with the quote, because it's from the same book. But it says, of all the beautiful truths, that pertain to the soul, that's been restored and brought to light in this age, none is more gladdening of fruitful and divine promise and confidence than this, that you and I are the master of our thoughts, the molder of our character, and the maker and shaper of our condition, environment, and destiny.

44:25 And when I read that, I went, oh, I'm in charge of my thinking? Not this random thoughts that's coming in telling me I'm stupid, no good, can't do it. No, I can control that if I'm willing to put in the effort. That's what that paragraph taught me. And it's been a long road since, you know, like trying to dial that in. And I'm pretty good at it now. Been doing it a long time. But that paragraph stood out. It was as if I needed, it was an answer to this internal narrative problem that I was struggling with. Like, you are in charge, Todd, and there's nothing more glad and fruitful of that. I was like, whoa. And so, you know, our mind can be our best friend or our mind can be our greatest enemy. But I realize I'm in charge of that. At the time, I didn't realize that until I had read that. Before we jump back in, can I ask you a quick favor? If you're enjoying the journey so far, will you like, rate, and subscribe to our show? It helps us reach more people like you. We can design and create and build the most wonderful place in the world, but it takes people to make the dream a reality. And, you know, one of the things that I think we sometimes struggle with is the opposite, which is the victim mentality, that things are happening to me. Yes. You've obviously coached a lot of people. You've spoken to a lot of audiences. So I... So I do divorce, right?

45:59 That's what the core of my job is. That's what my firm does. We do divorce. I imagine that you've coached people going through divorce, thinking about divorce, having gone through divorce. What are some of the things that you see people struggle with when it comes to this belief, right? And not being a victim in these difficult situations because divorce is... So hard it's brutal. It's it's really really tough for so so many people It's something people struggle with and a lot of people struggle with the belief about who they are that they're not good enough Yeah, right And then they start to mask and have other problems So what what is it that you've seen as people you've coached going through those situations?

46:41 And what do you tell them? Yeah, great question You know and and you know the people responding to me who are going through a divorce They they liken it to going through someone passing away a death and you know it's brutal and even if the divorce is the right thing for the couple it's still brutal because you're emotionally attached to this person and so anyone listening right now i'm not i'm please don't take that i'm you know minimizing your pain through this but what i've noticed and whether it's divorce or any other big problem is those are the moments that we truly do forget who we really are And truly, a lot of people can't even answer that question, Ryan. If you were to walk up to 10 random people, who are you? They can't answer the question. And to me, that is the single greatest question we have to answer with conviction. Because again, when I lost basketball, I didn't know who I was. I thought I was basketball. So when that was gone, I'm nothing now. And it happens a lot in divorce where they think I am this relationship.

47:42 So when that gets broken up, They're lost, kind of like what I felt. And I understand why they feel that way. But it's in those moments, if we know who we truly are, it will soften the blow a little bit, but it also keep you on the right track. It's when we veer off and we start pretending to be someone we're not. Because in those moments, I would tell anyone that you're resilient, that you're powerful. that you're brave, that you truly can do hard things. I know it hurts as you're going through it. But if we can remind ourselves in those difficult moments, that will keep our footing sure, right? Instead of pretending, you know, a lot of... people will go start drinking or they'll blow up their lives over a divorce, which again, they're hurting so bad. They don't know how else to handle the pain. Right. But that's why we got to know who we are and be able to answer it with conviction.

48:39 And it's all those things and more, and we can go more into detail on that. But I think I would tell that to anyone going through anything, who are you really? And if you struggle with that, I would say, think about a baby that's learning to walk. And we're watching this baby. Stand up, fall down, stand up, fall down, right? They're trying to learn to walk, right? And you've never heard of a baby fall down once and go, you know what? This walking isn't for me. I'm going to roll around the rest of my life, right? You never hear that, right? So as we watch this baby fall down and get back over and over and over again, I'll ask my clients, what are the characteristics of this baby learning to walk? And they'll say. Well, they're disciplined. They're believing.

49:21 They're courageous. They're resilient. They're determined. They have grit, right? The list goes on, right? They forgive themselves instantly. And then I'll say, yeah, I totally agree. Where did they get those characteristics? You know, and they have to get to the conclusion of they were just born with them. And then I'll look at that client and say, what does that mean about you? They're like, well, I have them too. And I go, yeah, you just forgot. You didn't lose them. You just forgot you had them. My job is to help remind you that there it is. That's who you are. So no matter if you're going through a divorce or addiction or what have you, whatever challenge, if we can stay true to who we are, and that's not easy. I know that. But I'll tell you, that's what will get you through it. That's what will get you through it. It's when we forget.

50:11 And we go blow up our lives and start pretending to be someone or not. And I get it because you're hurting. I don't want you to hurt. And anyone listening to this, if you're going through a divorce, I'm sorry. And I feel for you. But I'll tell you, you are strong. You're resilient. You're powerful. And sometimes you have to go through something like this for you to realize how powerful you really are. So hold on and stick that out and remind yourself who the hell you are. You know, one of the things I think. That I see people forgetting is I think a lot of people in general want to believe or want to be a kind person Yeah, and I'm a big believer in kindness. It's like it's one of our core values that we have here I can tell that when I met you brother, by the way, I appreciate that from you and I think it's really It's really easy to lose that when you go through something really hard especially divorce yeah because it's it's hard it's not easy and if you want to be a kind person when you're going through something like that with somebody who you know it might be betrayal that you had it might be you know devastation of something that happened that causes divorce it's really hard to remember that you are a kind person for sure it's hard to remember that's the core of who you want to be yeah um i uh I love the live action Cinderella. And one of the things that her mom teaches her, which is a quote we use all the time here, which is to have courage and be kind.

51:43 And I think many times it takes a great degree of courage to be kind in those situations. And I think some people don't realize how much impact the kindness or the lack of the kindness will have on their kids that are going through this divorce as well. Because the kids will see it. They'll be exposed to it. And if a parent can remember who they are and remember the kindness they want to have and try their very best to co -parent more effectively, it benefits their kids. And they don't. And when they forget that, and then they revert to... nastiness and harshness and things like that, it just really detrimentally affects those kids. It really does. But it's such a hard thing. It is. And in pointing that kindness to yourself as you're going through it, be kind to you. That is such a good point.

52:34 And I'm probably the toughest one because yes, we should be kind when we're struggling. But again, what that is, is when we're lashing out, that is our hurt coming out and we're projecting it onto those around us. And again, I understand that. But that's why we do need other. That's why we need each other. That's why you're doing this podcast. That's why we need to lean on people in times of need. We need each other. Like community is powerful. And if you're going through a divorce, one way to help you be kind is talk to someone. Tell them why you're hurting. Go to the deep recesses of your soul and express, I'm hurting and here's why. Have a good cry with this person.

53:16 Cry it out. I'm a crier, man. We're both been crying this whole time. I'm a crier because I think we have to allow these emotions to come through it. We were designed to feel emotion and we're built to regulate them. We are built to do it. And part of that is let's connect. Let's talk. So part of the, the, if you want to be kind to yourself and others around you, as you're going through something really hard, talk to someone, reach out, see a therapist, go talk to a mentor, see a friend, listen to this podcast over and over and over again, you know, share it with your family, you know, that kind of stuff. So what would you, what would you tell to somebody who has a loved one going through that hard thing? You know, because I think that sometimes what a lot of us will struggle with is we want to be there for somebody. Yeah.

54:04 We want to support them when they're going through something. We want to be a listening ear. How would you coach them to be a guide or mentor to other people, the loved ones in their lives that come to them in those hard times and express that they're struggling? Yeah. I think the best thing is I'm here to listen to you. Go ahead. You know, I think a lot of times we want to give advice, which advice is good. But I think a lot of times if someone's reaching out to you and they're struggling, they want to vent and they just need a listening ear. They don't want advice in that moment. If they want advice, they'll tell you. And I think one of the best things we can do is be an empathetic listener and tell them that. Like if you came up to me and said, man, I am struggling. I need help. I'd be like, okay, I'm here to listen, brother. Tell me what's on your heart. And I'm going to shut up. And then when you are ready for advice, you're going to tell me, hey, what would you do here, Todd?

54:59 Or what would you, okay, I'll give you some advice. But if you just need to vent and cry on my shoulder, I'm here for you. I think if we'll do that, that will go a million miles further than, oh, well, you know what? You shouldn't let this bother you. And, you know, screw your other who's divorcing you. And, you know, don't listen to, they don't want to hear that. No. Because they're hurting. Let them. Unleash the hurt. Let it come out. I don't know if this is true or not, but it's a great metaphor. When a lion chases a gazelle and the gazelle's running for its life, knows it's going to maybe die here, but it gets away. And once it realizes, it looks around, it's safe.

55:40 It's finally safe. It will fall down and shake. violently because it allows the anxiety that it was experiencing to come out and it experiences the, all of it and basically processes it and then pops back up and goes about living another day and everything's good. And I think it's a great metaphor for us that we need to shake violently sometimes, or in other words, express what we're going through. A lot of us just suppress, suppress. Oh, I'm just going to bug Ryan. If I go, if I go talk to him, he's just, I'm bothering him. No, bother him. Bother me, but you're not bothering. That's the key, you know? So I think, I think that is the key to just be a listening ear. And when they want advice, they're going to ask you for advice. And, and I, and this might be me.

56:28 It's so hard for me because I mean, my profession is giving people advice all day. You know, literally what I get paid to do, I was trained to do. I get paid to look at problems, solve the problem, provide the solutions. And when I have my loved ones come to me or my wife comes to me, it's sometimes hard to just like, Ryan, the role here is just listen. Just listen. Let them get that. out let them shake let them have that expression yeah um and it's a really good reminder to me you know because yeah if if if you're either the one that always wants to solve the problems or you're just the one that always wants to listen and sometimes they need advice like adapt and learn i i i it's really it's a good reminder because there's times where i just need to be a better yeah listener and just absorb it and listen it's funny because sometimes i'll my wife will be sharing some i'll even say do you want some advice here or do you you just need my ear yeah and she'll nine nine times out attention i just need you to listen to my okay beautiful Because I'm like you, too. I'm like, well, I know you can do this, and I've got this. This will help you. Because you've got all the things, right? I've got all the answers, supposedly, right? But yeah, yeah. So it is tough. But I think in any relationship, if we can be more of an empathetic listener, you know, communication or lack of is... I think one of the leading causes of divorce is that we're not communicating at all or we're doing it the wrong way. So if we

57:59 can learn to be empathetically listening, it's a skill like anything else. If we practice it, we get better at it. But no one teaches us that when we get married. It's like, hey, good luck. Don't fight. You're like, okay, whatever. Anyway. It's actually really insightful, Todd, because doing this, people ask me all the time, why? i think people get divorced what's the most common reason i i get asked it dozens and dozens of times yeah and that is the answer i give them wow it's communication that is actually exactly what i tell people it's communication because whether or not it ends up being cheating or finances or fighting or uh addiction like at the end of the day when when the couple fails to effectively communicate together That's when the cracks come in and they don't get fixed and they don't get solved. And then it becomes something much, much worse. Yeah. Well, it makes sense though, if you think about it, because when we communicate, we're connected. Like if I feel heard, I feel so good about myself. Yes. And vice versa, right?

59:01 That's why connection is so powerful. You know, in my business, the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection. And we learned that from Johan Hari, who has an amazing TED Talk on that, by the way. I haven't heard and I'm going to listen to, and we're going to put it in the show notes so that people can go listen to that. It's amazing. The Ted talk, it'll blow your mind. And this guy's awesome. But he talks about just how powerful connection and we're never more fully alive than when we're connected. So your spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend, when you are connecting. Dude, that's the magic. So yes, it makes sense. If we're not communicating, we're not connecting. And if we're not connecting, then we're left to our thoughts. And then when our thoughts are running wild, now we start, and then we start pretending to be someone we're not. And then we come in lashing out and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. And just, it's a snowball effect. So get back to empathetically. Listen, I do this thing called a 10 minute miracle. I don't know if we have time to share this. Yes, I want to hear it. Okay. So I'll be fast. No, I'm ready. So with the couples, I'll do this all the time. It's amazing. I call it the 10 minute miracle. And what it is, is we sit down as a couple and I'll, I'll use my wife as an example. So her name's Bonnie. So we'll sit down and she gets five minutes to talk about her day.

1:00:18 Okay. And I don't, I can't say a word. This is her time. So I sit down and I listen. She can tell me whatever she wants about her day. Good, bad, all of it. What she did, everything, all the details, everything. And then at the end of her five minutes, she talks about any regrets, resentments, and appreciations. Okay. And she might say, I have no regrets. She might say, Todd, I resent you a little bit today because you left this morning. Didn't say goodbye. You left the kitchen a mess. I resent that. And I'm still just listening. And then she ends with appreciations. I want you to know how much I appreciate you as my husband, how hard you work. I want you to know it really is inspiring to me. Now, when she's done, now I get five minutes. Now, since she brought up a resentment, I address that first. I own it. You're right. I left early.

1:01:00 I left the kitchen a mess. That's on me. And I apologize. I heard you say that. So I own it. Then five minutes about my day. And then I talk about any regrets, resentments, appreciation. I might say, I regret that I left this morning without saying goodbye. I have no resentments towards you at this moment. And I appreciate you as my wife for always loving me no matter what. It means the world. You're the best mom. And then we stand up and do what I that I've learned about the eight second hug. You know, psychology will say when you hug for eight seconds, your hearts will start to beat at the same connection at the same rate connection. Right. And we'll do that. And I'll tell you, if we do that five days a week, that's 50 minutes. And resentments are being brought up in the time they need to.

1:01:48 And I have couples do this. who have not been doing any of this. Right. And it's a miracle that what starts to happen. I have couples that come to me. They're going to get a divorce. I haven't do this 10 minute miracle for, for if they'll commit to it for the next couple of weeks without fail, they'll be like, yeah, we're, we're finally connecting. This feels good. We're not going to go. We're going to put that divorce on hold for a minute. And it's amazing what starts to happen. I heard a statistic. I don't know how accurate this is, but the average couple speaks 28 minutes a week to each other. a week. Right. And in that 28 to 30 minutes a week, it's all surfacy stuff. Hey, I need you to go to the store. Can you pick this up? Hey, the kids need this. The kids who go, which is all, yeah, we got to do that. Right. But we never sit down, especially when we got busy lives and put everything on hold. So if we, if we did that five days a week, that 10 minute miracle, you're almost doubling the national average and you're bringing up things that matter. And you're connecting. And everyone has time for 10 minutes. 100 % they do. Everyone does. And can it be longer than 10? Yeah, if it needs to be, it needs to be. But you follow the same pattern. It eliminates ping pong communication.

1:03:03 You're listening. I'm empathetically listening to you for five minutes. I want to hear about your day. Go. I'm not going to chime in. Not that I'm going to listen. I love this. Yeah. It's interesting. When people will talk to me about divorce and... A lot of people say like, oh, you probably want people to get divorced. And it's really interesting. Maybe there's divorce attorneys out there that do. Maybe. You know, there's a lot of divorce attorneys out there. But like when I say nothing could be further from the truth, I mean it. Because I tell people all the time, I am not in the business to tell people to get divorced. If I meet with somebody and I think that there's an opportunity for them to fix a relationship and I can connect them with a therapist or something like that. 100 i'm going to do it wow that's awesome if people need to get divorced because sometimes it's the right answer i myself am yeah my two boys are with with my egg yeah sometimes that's what you've got to do but sure when when couples can figure it out they can fix that communication and um and it can be to the benefit of their relationship and their kids if they have them absolutely i that is why would i not want that Of course, that's what I want, what I think is the right thing. I love this idea of the 10 -minute miracle that we call it. Okay, we need to put that in the show notes. We're going to put that in there.

1:04:18 I mean, today's Friday. I'm going to talk to my wife today and be like, honey, we're going to do this 10 -minute thing. One of the things that I really appreciate that we started doing is I've got about a 15 -minute drive home from the office. And every day we get on the phone and talk on my drive home. And I hate talking on the phone. Like I hate it. Like I've obviously have to talk to clients sometimes on the phone. Like it is what I got to do. I hate it. But that is one thing that I've found an opportunity for us just to, we just do it every day. We do it every day. Now I love the idea more of us sitting down as well and having that communication. I tell you, it's a game changer, but I love that you're doing that. And you know, the best definition of love I've ever heard is sacrifice. So you just said it. You don't really like talking on the phone at all. But you do it. Why? Because you're sacrificing because you love her. That's what it is. You're doing the thing because you know it matters for the relationship. That's sacrifice. That's love. And love and sacrifice, when it's coming from both sides, it creates that connection like you're talking about. It's amazing, yeah. That's where the magic is, man.

1:05:25 Yeah, I love it. Okay, so we're going to get to a couple of fun segments real quick here. Before I do, though. yeah what should i have asked you about the topic we're talking about or about aladdin that i didn't about aladdin aladdin or the topic overall that i haven't asked you yet what did i miss boy well you're putting me on the spot here i mean you've asked some great questions i mean it's been awesome i i don't know i think i think maybe the question would be why do we beat ourselves up so easily versus just being the opposite, right? Positive and believing. I mean, I think that's a big question. A lot of people wonder like, why is negativity when the day seems like, you know? And I think what I've learned is that, you know, we're emotional creatures and we believe quickly what we hear, right? Especially as a kid. Right. I'll give you an example of why I'm saying this. I had a client when I met him, he was in his mid fifties, heroin addict, slamming heroin. And one of the exercises I have my clients do is I have them write down all the negative things they tell themselves. And as a way to kind of like, let's put, let's get the negative narrative in the head out on paper. Let's see it. And anyway, he does this process, right? And his list was a mile long. And at the top of his list was, I'm stupid. And I asked him, here he is in his

1:06:58 mid fifties. I said, where did that come from? Like, you know, and he said, well, when I was in fifth grade, I was at parent teacher conference and overheard the teacher tell my parents, your son's not very bright. So this poor fifth grader hears this and he's devastated. He is crushed. He's like my teacher thinks I'm stupid And he bought into it. He just agreed with it He agreed with it. You know, the book, The Four Agreements calls that black magic. And he bought into it. And from that day forward, he told himself he was stupid. And then he proves it by getting bad grades, hating school, and then he eventually drops out. And so I asked him, do you still believe you're stupid now? And he goes, yeah. And he goes, I go, how has that held you back in your life? Well, he goes, well, I didn't go to college.

1:07:46 I do low paying jobs. I walk with my head down. I'll never read a book in front of someone. I'm miserable. I stay out of social situations. And I look at. him i said that's why you slam heroin he's like what they go yeah there it is that's why you do what you do And anyway, kind of blew his mind. And it's just interesting that no one teaches a fifth grader how to process that negative news or that negative statement, right? It's like, you know, this is pretty popular saying, you know, you tell a girl she's beautiful. She remembers it for a day. You tell her she's ugly. She remembers it for the rest of her life, right? It's for some reason we latch on to that negative because there's such an emotional response to that negativity. And then that becomes habitual and then so on and so forth. And so we have to actually really be careful and mindful and intentional of telling ourselves. positive things about ourselves.

1:08:42 Because negativity in the world, especially now with social media, we are bombarded with so much information that's negative. And it just wins the day, unfortunately. Now, I know not with everyone, but man, I'll tell you, I see it widespread. I speak all over the place. I speak to kids. This is their wrestle. I mean, kids in junior high and in elementary school are already believing they're not good enough. They already believe it. It's like, well, where did that come from? They weren't born believing that. They learned it somehow. And so it is an issue. And I think that's my life's work is I want to help these kids flip that around and tell them the truth. And so I don't know if that answers that. And it leads me to another thing that I want to get your take on real quick, and then we'll hit our fun segments. So I wrote in another quote from the movie, and I'm actually going to alter it a little bit, and I'll tell you why. So the quote is, Jasmine, I do love you, but I've got to stop pretending to be something that I'm not. And I'm going to change it because we're yes and.

1:09:42 Jasmine, I do love you. And I've got to stop pretending to be something that I'm not. So I'd just like to change that because it's a yes and, right? We want to be a yes and here. Yes. What would you tell people if they are in that zone of believing something wrong or negative about themselves? What should they believe? If they're going to be able to come to their own, have more love, have more connection. um, have more love for themselves and more kindness to themselves. What do they need to believe about themselves? What should they believe? Well, the belief is your worth was set the moment you were born. Like if I asked someone, what is your, I'm going to, I'm going to do it with you right now. If I was to ask you, what's your value as a human being from zero to a hundred. And if you're being completely, just brutally honest right now and vulnerable, where would you put yourself on that scale? My work to like humanity or like Who I am not even I'm not even a I'm gonna just what are you what comes to mind? Like where are you at on it's just go with it 70 70, okay Where are your kids on that scale hundred? See there we go. See Your kids make mistakes. They're not perfect, but you're in your eyes. They're at a hundred. They always will be. They'll never, they'll never vary from that hundred. So the answer was a hundred. You may have wanted to say that too, but the truth is you're at a hundred.

1:11:04 And so has everyone listened to this because the only reason why our value fluctuate is just with our own thinking. Because anyone listening to this, you have kids, where's the value of your children? They'd be like, they're at 100, period. No questions asked. You can answer it so fast, you don't even have to ask it, right? But when we think of ourselves, isn't it fascinating? We wrestle with it, right? One of the things I do too, I like to ask the crowd. I'll say, don't you guys think people are astonishing? And the crowd was like, oh, yeah, yeah, people are saying, well, what does that mean about you then? And you see him just get really uncomfortable all of a sudden. I go, isn't that fascinating? Imagine if you showed up today believing you're astonishing. How would you carry yourself if you actually believed it? Because the truth is you are. No, I don't care what you've been through.

1:11:56 I don't care what you've done. I don't care what someone's done to you. You're astonishing. But most of the time we show up believing we're not good enough that no one likes us We're not handsome enough or pretty enough or stupid, but the list goes on And yeah, yeah, I'm about a 70 or whatever And again, I know I kind of set you up for that But the truth is well, but we look at ourselves as lower and what's interesting though is I had to be honest because you asked me to be Because I academically I wanted to say a hundred right? I was like, okay This is what it needs to be a hundred percent. No, but like let me be honest and if I'm honest that's what I think. Right. And so we all, we all have work to do. Right. We're all in moments where we're like, okay, yeah, I'm 70, I'm 50, right. I'm 30. Yeah. 90.

1:12:41 Yeah. Not a hundred. Yeah. And you may feel that way, but again, your value is at a hundred. Yeah. And there's days where I feel like I'm at a 20, you know, geez. But I have to remind myself, yeah, but my value didn't fluctuate just because I feel a little down today. Even if I made a mistake and I'm beating myself up with a mistake, I got to catch and go, why am I beating myself up for this? What's the point? I mean, do I need to beat myself up for the next week? I mean, again, guilt's good because guilt reminds us don't do it again. But if we hold on to guilt too long, it turns into shame. And shame is the lie. Shame is I'm not good enough. It really is. It's the killer. That's what will keep you stuck more than anything. So yeah, it's okay to feel a little pain because you made a mistake.

1:13:24 Learn from it and tell yourself, okay, I'm going to be better today. I'm going to be 1 % better today than I was yesterday. Yeah. It's guilt is I did something bad. Shame is I am bad. Yeah. And shame is a lie. It's such a lie. I mean, Brene Brown does so much work on shame. It's so amazing to help us understand. why shame is so harmful and why we need to eradicate that out of our lives. For sure. Amazing. Besides this podcast, I actually own a law firm, RCG Law Group. And I'll be honest, most people think only about calling a lawyer when something has gone sideways already. We'd rather you know who we are before that happens. So if you ever need us, we're right here. This has been so good.

1:14:07 Okay. So we're going to move real quick to some fun segments. All right. And then we'll circle back to your three actionable takeaways. Okay. We were giving some people some things they can do today, and I still want you to get to do those, but we'll come back to three very specific things. So the first thing when we have is called this or that. Okay. So it's just whatever of these two you think. Right. And it could be controversial. So if it is, we're going to have a little discussion about it. Okay. The first one, Abu or the magic carpet. Magic carpet. Okay. Tell me more. I just think I love magic and carpet. I mean, come on. When I watched that, I was like, who wouldn't want a magic carpet? Right. It was the coolest thing ever. So cool. And I just, I mean, even as a little kid, I used to wish I was magic and I wanted to always. Like, if I could make something appear, like, I always would, I would dream of having pancakes because I loved pancakes. So I'd be laying in my bed starving as a kid. I'm like, I wish I was magic to make pancakes appear right before my very eyes. So that's probably why the magic carpet. I love it. I think it's awesome. Oh, yeah. It has such a great personality, too. Like, in Adam and Object, they did a great job of making the carpet have a personality.

1:15:17 Yeah. It was so awesome. Give me some Tassel. Cave of Wonders treasure or the Sultan's Palace? Cave of Wonders. Okay. Because it's wonders. You don't know exactly what's in there. The palace is predictable. Yeah. I think the Cave of Wonders is a variable. You don't know what's in there. Yeah. That's why you wonder, what is it? Yeah. And I think it's interesting with it too. Now that you say that, like, that's why the, is it a lion head or whatever that they go into? What it says is like, the only one that can enter is the diamond in the rough. In other words, somebody who's going to actually appreciate what's actually in here and maybe not get lost in all the treasure, the coin. I like where you went with that one. I was actually thinking palace.

1:16:05 So I like your answer there. Okay. For songs in Aladdin, Prince Ali or A Whole New World? Oh, boy. That's a tough one. I'd probably go with Prince Ali. Okay. Yeah. Again, it's just catchy. I like them both. But, yeah, I would probably go with that one. Prince Ali, you know, has a good beat to it. Totally does. Makes you feel good when you listen to it. Again, going back to Robin Williams. And you got Robin Williams. Yeah. So, again, I'm a huge fan. So great. So great. Okay. We'll go to just general stuff. Road trip or flying on a plane somewhere? Road trip. You're a road trip guy. Okay. Yeah. I don't like flying. Really? Yeah. I'm better now, but man, I used to be petrified to fly. And what did you do to overcome it? Got on a plane. Just did it. Just kept going. Yeah. Todd, that means we need to have you have some conversations with Dawson, our producer. He is not a plane guy at all, I just learned. So you understand, yes.

1:17:09 So he gets it. And we need to get him to Disney World with his sweet wife. That's a long road trip. That would be a very long road trip. So we're going to have to have you do some talking with Dawson, connect and get him to overcome that fear of flying. Yeah. um in relation to that do you have like a playlist for your road trips do you like go to a certain 80s music yeah yeah i think 80s is the best music um i'm also kind of a heavy metal guy back in the 80s as well so i like a lot of that kind of stuff what year are you born a uh 68. okay 68. so you're hitting 80s at a time where that's like the core of you're coming into your music your taste your choice not your parents exactly that's why for me it's the 90s yeah i was born in 82. makes sense yeah so like 90s are like oh i could always go back to that night for sure My parents were, I mean, not old when they had me, but a little bit older. So I kind of skipped the 80s. They had me listen to 60s and 70s. Oh, yeah. Like classic rock and that kind of stuff from the 60s and 70s. I didn't really know much 80s. My new Michael Jackson, he was the best. But a lot of 80s stuff, I didn't. Yeah, interesting. Like when we grow up and we have that impact, right?

1:18:21 Exactly, yeah. Okay, because you're a basketball guy, NBA finals or March Madness? Oh, boy. I would say March Madness now, probably 20 years ago, I would have said NBA Finals. Why did that change? Well, for one, I went to the NBA Finals when Michael Jordan was playing the Jets. You did not. My dad had season tickets, yeah. So I went to a couple of those games. So I saw it live. So that's why back then NBA Finals was everything to me. I just think the NBA has changed in a lot of ways. I think it's... Kind of made the product worse in my opinion. Sure. I love just March Madness just the raw grit It's one and done and you get the Cinderella stories people like because anyone could beat anyone at any given night and just watch these amazing No -name schools that can you know, somehow win two or three in the tournament. So I just love that part of it Yeah. March Madness for me, it's my Super Bowl every year. And I love the Super Bowl.

1:19:25 Don't get me wrong. I'm a sports guy. But the first two days of March Madness, I take those off. In my house, it's really excessive. I shouldn't. But I have four TVs on the wall. I have a game on each TV. And I sit there and bring in Buffalo Wild Wings, bring in pizza. And I'm just going to watch those games. I just love it. Couldn't agree more. I love that. It's so fun. Yeah. Okay. Being on stage. or a one -to -one conversation with the work that you do? You're asking me an impossible question because I love them both. I was hoping it would be really hard. If I have to pick one, I'll probably say on stage. Okay.

1:20:06 Yeah. That connection in the room. I've had so many experience where the room was just, you could feel the energy that everyone was on the same page. That is power. And boy, that is... just, I don't know how to explain it. It's just, it is amazing. But I've had that as well with the one -on -ones where it's like, there's this connection kind of like what we're having right now. Even it's like, this is cool. This is amazing. Right. It's like, I liken it to, there's no drug that I ever did that could give me this feeling. Right. And the feeling I'm on when I'm on stage, that, that authentic connection, there's no drug on the planet that gives you that. It just doesn't. I mean, that, that resonates for me. I mean, I haven't talked on stages like you have, but, um i was a theater kid oh yeah so yeah one of the reasons why i want to be in court as an attorney yeah that performing on stage and doing so advocating for somebody right like advocating for something yes but there's there's a there's a performative nature that like is a drug for me 100 when you've got somebody responding and connecting with what you're able to say or do on a stage for me in court as well like oh there's something cool about it yeah and you know what Can I digress?

1:21:19 Yeah. If you don't have time for it, it's okay. But I would love for you to share with our audience your onstage experience that you had at the prison. I heard you tell that story. Yeah. And my best friend works at the jail, which I know is different than the prison, but he works at the jail. My grandma was a prison guard. at the prison when it was in Draper many, many, many years ago. Wow. Very, very long time ago, but she was. And when I heard you tell that story, it just really connected. And so if you have time, I'd love for you to quickly share that story. I think it's so good. Yeah. So I got invited by Toastmasters to go speak at the Utah State Prison. It was before COVID. the prison that was at the point of the mountain that's no longer there. They moved it. But I absolutely said yes to it. But I was a little nervous. I've done a lot of speaking at the Salt Lake Youth Detention and Decker Lake and younger kids who are locked up. But I had never been invited to the prison on this scale, right? And so I said yes. And I get out to this, you know, to go out to the prison. This might sound funny, but it looked like what you think prison would look like. It had big fences with barbed wire on top. And it's just kind of a little eerie feeling. You got to go through metal doors and had to go through a metal detector. They did a background check on me the whole nine yards.

1:22:36 Had to take my belt off, my shoes. Couldn't go in there with my watch or phone, nothing. I mean, it's just, it's a different experience, right? Well, they had three guards that were there waiting for me. to kind of give me the lay of the land, right? And there was 120 inmates waiting for me. And it was a place called Promontory out at the prison. It was a center block wall gymnasium with a wood floor. And these guards said, okay, before you go in there, and they're just kind of telling me what's going on and what they expect. And one of the guards said, you know, if something goes down in there, make sure you're standing by one of us. And I'm sitting there going, is there something going to go down? Did you hear a rumor, right? You're going to go after the guest speaker? And he's like, no, we just have to tell you that. Now my heart's really... pounding right so i walk in there 120 inmates dude and they're sitting straight up They're not talking to their neighbor. And it was like, you could hear a pin drop. So they could hear me walking in wood floor, center block wall. They all turn and look at me. All 120 of them want to talk about intimidation, you know, and I'm just like, whoa. And I'm like, in my head, I'm going, what are these guys thinking of me right now? Right.

1:23:40 So I sit down and before I get up, they want me to take an hour and 15 minutes. They have three inmates. They're going to spend five minutes each sharing their story. I'm like, okay, cool. So I start listening to these guys. They stand up. These guys are getting emotional, talking about their stories. I'm like, where am I? It was amazing. And the last guy, before he sat down, before I have to get up, he says, if you don't own your story, it owns you. And I was like, that's what I needed to hear. I'm just going to stand up and own my story. I even told him, I'm still in that line from you. And so I get up and I start sharing my story to this, you know, all these prisoners, 120 of them. And I'm about a half hour into it. And I could tell we were connected. And then I had that tap on the shoulder moment. Ask him this question. I've never done this before. I never even planned.

1:24:30 I mean, I had planned what I was going to share. This wasn't part of the plan. It was like, ask him this question. Here's the question I asked him. How many of you by the show of hands are criminals? You know, all the hands go up and they're like, dude, we're in prison. Yeah. And as their hands were raised, Ryan, I said, why are you guys lying to yourselves? Why are you lying? And, you know, hands start going down. They're like, what? You know, now they're talking and they're like, what's this clown doing, right? And as their hands went down, I said, you guys are lying. And I said, how many of you by the show of hands committed a crime today? And luckily, no hands went up because I don't know what I would have done to have a hand go up. I'm like, oh, well, get out of here. And then I said, how many of you committed a crime yesterday? Raise your hand. No hands go up. I said, see, you're lying. And then I asked him these questions.

1:25:18 How many of you by the show of hands have told the truth just today? So far, look like every hand went up. How many of you have done the right thing when no one was looking? Look like every hand went up again. And then I said, how many of you have followed all the rules here today in prison? Every hand goes up. And then the last question, how many of you have shown respect to your cellmate today? Just so far today, every hand goes up. And I said, see, you're lying. You guys tell yourself you're criminals, but you just told me you're honest. You have integrity. You're respectful and you're caring. And Ryan, had I not been there, I wouldn't have believed it. I got a three minute standing ovation. These guys stood up and I'm not can you just started clapping screaming and I thought I was being punked and when I say three minutes I'm not exaggerating for the story. I swear it went three minutes.

1:26:09 I was just like I started getting emotional I'm like and I'm like I wanted to go guys sit down I get it They just kept going and there was a guy like the third row going like this. I'm like what he goes Hey, can I come give you a hug? I'm like sure and he comes up the guards tackled him and no I'm kidding Guards didn't tackle him, but he did come give me a hug. I guess afterwards I found out he got in trouble for doing that. But anyway, he comes up, gives me a hug. Well, as they sat down, I shared this powerful truth. What follows I am follows you. And after I was done with my talk, all 120 of those inmates came up, shook my hand, gave me a hug and said, we have never had anyone ever tell us that. Thank you for telling us that. I said, I'm just here to tell you the truth. And they have a therapist that's there, you know, they rotate therapists that's always there. The one that happened to be there at the time I spoke said, I'm never going to let these guys call themselves criminals ever again. And I'm like, wow, that'd be cool if they actually did that. Well, this past June, I got invited to go speak at the new prison.

1:27:14 And sure enough, they do not let their criminals, if you will, call themselves criminals anymore. And I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. And like, yeah, ever since we heard you speak there, we don't do that anymore. Like, wow. This week, I attended the Jordan School District Career and Technology Economic Summit. And they had a representative from the Department of Corrections there. Oh, really? Who helps recruit kids. Okay. And it was really interesting because as I heard her talk, I wish I could remember exactly the title she used. but she didn't say criminal she didn't even say inmates she used a totally different term for the people who are there wow and when i saw when i when i heard your story and then i i heard that i thought that that matters like it matters not just to them themselves but also like what the department of corrections is doing the way that they're talking about people that they're there to I mean, to guard, but also to help. I think the Department of Corrections here in the state of Utah has done a really good job of taking this focus of trying to get people to be able to be reintegrated into society in positive ways. I've been very impressed because I did a tour there last year as well, this new prison, and of the work that they're doing to do that. And I hear the impact that you had.

1:28:38 Yeah, that prison, though, the new prison, no one's breaking out of that prison. Oh, no. Dude, I thought I wasn't coming out. Dude, I got claustrophobic. I was like, this is a lockdown facility, man. There is no one. coming out of here like they're not going to escape from this place that's what i felt but yeah um no i yeah it was it was an amazing experience and it goes with you know what psychology tells us um what you believe is the way you behave 95 of the time so whatever the beliefs you have about yourself that's how you show up in life so if we're telling these guys and girls they're criminals and that's their identity no wonder it's a revolving door they leave there well i'm a criminal anyway so what are they do they go do a criminal act but if they start going no i'm not a criminal guess what behavior starts to change the behavior changes because they change the belief about themselves yeah that fascinating that is that's why i love doing the work i do is helping people unravel their belief system that is holding them back yeah right that's so good and that's the magic carpet ride right there that is that is Thank you so much for sharing that. Let me go on that detour. Yeah, no, thanks for asking. I needed to have our audience hear that. No, thank you.

1:29:54 Because I think it's so impactful. I think it's so important. Thank you so much. Okay, we'll come back to our rapid fire now. Okay. You ready for this? Oh, boy. I know. Here we go. Here we go. Favorite Disney movie? Wow. I think it's Spider -Man. Oh, man. Which one? There's so many, but even the most current one that just came out, wow, it is amazing. Like, just so well done. It's tough. You know, Tobey Maguire's amazing Spider -Man. I mean, it's a tough one. Andrew Garfield was really good at it. They're all good. I like, if I could pick one, I would watch all the Spider -Mans for sure. Yeah, Spider -Man's a great character. Oh, so good. He goes through so many struggles himself. Absolutely. you know when he's not being spider -man he's going through the struggle of who am i and i'm not good enough i'm a you know i'm kind of a nerd i'm i don't fit in i mean i can relate and maybe that's why i like it so much because i can kind of relate with going through that process and in the newest movie it was so much of that of like him going through that struggle of who he really was and what he was supposed to do and ultimately was connection yes with the people that he loved yeah Which is what helped him overcome. Absolutely.

1:31:02 Yeah, that's a good point. Oh, that's such a good movie. Okay, favorite Disney song. There's so many, Todd. There's so many. Oh, man. I don't even know how to answer that one. I don't even know. Because there's so many, I've forgotten probably most of them, to be honest. God. Favorite Disney song. I don't know. I'll stick with Prince Ali. Okay. There you go. Yeah. I mean, that's a good one. And again, it's tattooed on my brain because I watch that so much with my children. Yeah. I'm sure. Yeah. Terrific one. How about this? Favorite Disney princess? Wow. You're asking some tough ones. Probably Cinderella. Yeah. Classic.

1:31:50 Yep. That's a classic. I grew up with that. Yeah. Really powerful story. Again, someone who was pushed aside, looked down upon as a no good nobody. Yeah. And yeah. Told she wasn't good enough. Exactly. Had to believe that she wasn't good enough. Yeah. And then the fairy godmother helps her see who she really is. Who she really is. Exactly. Yeah. So good. That's such a good answer. Favorite ride at Disneyland? Yes. Space Mountain. Oh, yeah. Space Mountain. And then I was going to say something else, but it's in California Adventure. But yeah. disney ride space mountain give me california adventure oh uh the uh they changed the name guardians of the galaxy guardians of the galaxy yes that is my favorite i could do that over and over again but space mountain it's a classic i rode on it when i was in high school even junior high and to this day that's my that's the first ride i run to yeah and by the way i'm running think of this you're running yeah i'm running i'm the i'm the dork who is running down trying to get in line same yeah totally my kids are looking at me like what are you doing i'm like let's go we love the road there's a 10 minute wait let's go yeah we love to rope drop we'd love to get to the first we always have to kind of debate about which ones to go to my daughter love my 10 year old love space mountain yeah so she wants to be like don't let's go to space now let's go to space mountain my other daughter who's six it's usually like peter pan yeah one of those rides we're always kind of like when we go to but oh We love rope dropping. Disney character you'd hire as your

1:33:21 own life coach. This one's digging deep. I don't know that there's good answers here. I just was thinking, like, is there a good guide in any of these Disney movies that you would really love? Well, maybe the genie. The genie would be fun. I mean, it would be fun and exciting, and it would give me what I want, I guess. Yeah. yeah that's a good one i yeah i'd probably have to go with the genie how about which disney villain you would like to coach i think you could coach ursula myself ursula would be good god there's i'm trying to think of the one that's on my mind i can't think of the name though yeah ursula would be good because i think ursula believes about herself that she's just this bad person yeah right um when in reality she didn't i mean she's got some magic obviously she can do she could have used that for good yeah uh but she believed you know this lie that she's this horrible person and needs to do wonderful things and needs some slave people right yeah obviously dealing with some kind of child trauma for her for sure no for sure she would be a good one she'd be a challenge too oh man yeah it'd be very challenging challenge because she's a little manipulative right she might tell you what you want to hear at your turn of culture oh yeah yeah yeah it's totally true no um Okay, here's the last one of the rapid fire, which is not so rapid fire.

1:34:37 Just kind of whatever you think. But how are you saying yes and in your life right now? Boy. I'm probably saying yes to that life is fantastic and it's challenging. That's a good one. Because I do. I really am. I think life is most of the time really fantastic. I do. And I don't say that like, I know there's a lot of pain in the world. I've been through a lot of pain. My life isn't perfect either. And that's the end part. And I still have my struggles. Yeah. You know, even though I speak on stage, I do my own podcast, I'm sitting here with you and I do all these things that I'm saying, some probably, hopefully some cool things for your listeners and things that will help them. I still have my battles.

1:35:28 I still, You know, I wake up some days going, man, can I do this? I wake up sometimes going, man, this is going to be a tough day for some reason. So, yeah, life is fantastic and it's challenging. And I have my challenges. Yeah, I think that's a really good one. Yeah. I really appreciate that answer because, you know, sometimes it is easy for people to see someone who's doing some amazing things like you are and think, oh, he's got it all figured out. It's 100 % joy and happiness all the time. and that's just not real life yeah right we have challenges we have struggles and we will continue to yeah and we could still recognize the great things and be optimistic and yeah uh be positive about what life has yeah yeah it's a great answer okay so todd what we'd like to end with is three actionable takeaways something that somebody could put into effect in their life today or this week, what would be your recommended three actionable takeaways?

1:36:25 Yes. So I would write down one negative thing you tell you about yourself, put it on paper so you can see it, put whatever's at the top of that list. What is the number one negative thing you're wrestling with right now? Okay. That'd be the first thing. Second thing, then flip it. So if I put down, I'm stupid over, if I flip this, I'm going to put, I taught him brilliant. So I'm going to challenge you guys to do that. Flip that name and then create a power statement around that new narrative, right? So for instance, it could be something like, you know, I, Todd, am brilliant, but I'm also powerful, resilient, and kind. And I'm going to tattoo that onto my brain. So our brains aren't wired for happiness or sadness. It's wired for repetition. And repetition is how we create a new neural pathway. So the actual item is write down the negative, flip it, add the positive, and then create a statement around that. And then memorize that, but not just memorize it. Understand what it truly means as who you really are. And say this and repeat it over and over and over. And there's this beautiful thing called the 2190 rule. It takes 21 days to create a habit, 90 days to create a lifestyle.

1:37:42 What that 90 day does is it takes your anything in your short term memory, puts it into your long term memory. So that statement will become kind of like your motto, your why, if you will. And you can tweak it and you can change it too. Once you get it dialed in, doesn't mean you can't go change it. If you do this for a minute and you want to change it up, change it up. But I'll tell you, I've done this in my own life and I still do. And it is, again, the story we tell ourselves is the most powerful force. And so we got to make sure what is that story that we're telling. And so this will help you create that. and it's a simple start it doesn't maybe fix everything for you in this moment but i'll tell you it's a good start in the right direction yeah and and if i could add something to that what i would say is don't not do this because you think it's woo -woo or because you think it's silly or you whatever like These types of things actually can. They can create the new neural pathways. They truly can make a difference in us seeing ourselves differently. They really, truly can. Yeah. You ask yourself, isn't it interesting?

1:38:50 We can be comfortable beating ourselves up over and over and over and over again. But heaven forbid, we say something nice about ourselves. And again, a lot of people, because it makes us uncomfortable. Get uncomfortable. Yeah. Get in front of that mirror. Tell yourself this statement over and over again. Look at yourself as you're saying it. Get uncomfortable. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I'm telling you, it will change your life. I get it. You don't just gain confidence by shouting affirmations, but you gain it by building up a stack of evidence. So then that's the next thing is when you're saying these things at the end of the day, write down. Where's the evidence that I was this powerful, brilliant, kind human being? Where's the, where's the evidence? And if you can bullet point two or three things, that's the formation of the new belief system is that your brain can actually now see evidence. Cause we're also always looking for evidence. Always. We beat ourselves up. We see evidence all over the place. Oh yeah. Look, this is proof that I'm not a good person. There's proof there, too, of a good person. You just don't see it yet. So start writing down where's the proof. Start stacking that evidence. Stack the evidence, baby. Brilliant. I love it. Todd, thank you so much for being with us today. Thanks for having me. For sharing your story, being so vulnerable with us, helping us to see the path that you've lived and how you're inspiring so, so many people. What a joy. What a pleasure it was to visit with you. Thank you. Thank you, everybody, for joining us. And we hope you continue to say yes and in your life. Thanks. As you leave this conversation, remember that yes, the past can hurt and you can either run from it or you

1:40:20 can learn from it. So here's to learning and finding joy in the journey. See you real soon.